New Rule: Christine O’Donnell has to stop saying, “I’m you” in her campaign ads. It doesn’t get truer the more you say it. Because it’s not a spell. And also because a recent poll by Harvard confirms that my views are actually more aligned with America’s views than are Christine’s or Sarah Palin’s or Carl Paladino’s or any of the other nuts that spilled out of the nut bag this year.
When I hear Christine O’Donnell say “I’m you” I take it personally, because I think back to how our love-making was so raw and powerful it was hard to know where my body ended and hers began, but if I were you, I’d really want her to stop saying she was you. Eighty-six percent of Tea-baggers think climate change is a hoax — that’s not you! Tea Partiers want to repeal the health care law, but two thirds of AMERICANS either like it or want it to go further. Fifty-nine percent of AMERICANS support gay marriage and civil unions. The Tea Partiers support traditional gender roles, where men are in charge, like Glenn Beck, and women are soft and emotionally fragile, with spooky mood swings, like Glenn Beck. Six in ten Americans think illegal Mexicans should have a path to citizenship and be allowed to stay here. And the other four in ten are illegal Mexicans.
Now, I know that you Tea-baggers at home are already blogging, “If Americans are like you, Bill, then how come the Republicans are going to take over the Congress?” First of all, thank you for watching my show, I know there’s wrestling on another channel. And second, to answer your question, the Democrats will lose because A) they don’t brag about their achievements, and B) they never get it that these days you have to sum up your message in one succinct phrase, like “We’ll cut your taxes,” or “Here’s a photo of my penis.”
Which brings me to the one succinct phrase that could keep the Democrats in power in 2012: “We’ll legalize pot.” I’m not saying this just to get cheap applause. I’m saying it because reliable surveys tell us that there’s only one thing that will rouse our precious youth to the polls the way Jackass in 3D got them out to the theaters, and that’s pot. It’s the unwritten second half of Obama’s slogan. “Yes We Can…Get High at the Mall.”
In the legalization of marijuana, the Democrats finally could have something they’ve always wanted: a wedge issue. Remember wedge issues? Things like gay marriage and prayer in school and other bullshit that Republicans used for years to get hillbillies to the polls? That’s how Bush got elected in 2004 — Karl Rove put gay marriage on the ballot in eleven key states, knowing that all the Christian shit-kickers would come out against boys kissing and stick around to pull the lever for Bungles the Clown.
Nationwide, young people 18-29 are expected to make up just six percent of those voting in the midterms. Six percent! I’ve seen more young people than that at Larry King’s canasta parties. But here in California, where Proposition 19 on the ballot would legalize weed, the kids are expected to make up twelve percent of the voters. Still pathetic: but to go from six percent to twelve percent, that’s…well, I’m a little stoned right now, but a lot.
Bill Maher is the host of HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher.