August, 2008 – Sarah announces her opposition to stem cell research.
June, 2010 – Stem cell treatment leads to renewed sight to people blinded by damaged retinas
COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!
August, 2008 – Alaska’s strict enforcement of drunk driving rules leads to first ever decrease in driver deaths.
September, 2008 – Sarah blocks move to force Wasilla bars to close earlier than 5am.
– – – – –
August, 2006 – Sarah praises Red Dog Zinc Mine for using non-union labor to process silver and zinc.
May, 2010 – Red Dog Zinc Mine repeatedly fined for worker safety violations and poisoning ground water, rendering it undrinkable.
All Democrats are insane, but not one of them knows it; none but the Republicans and mugwumps know it.
All the Republicans are insane, but only the Democrats and mugwumps can perceive it. The rule is perfect; in all matters of opinion our adversaries are insane. When I look around me I am often troubled to see how many people are mad.
— Mark Twain
One wonders what Mark would have to say on the subject of Wasilly’s silliest tweeter. His poignant, accurate, not so subtle observations would be quite welcome these days.
Her brief hystery:
1964 – her parents hatch a future journalism school major and basketball player known as the Barracuda.
1981 – she embarks on a five stop, six year career as a professional student, beginning with U of Hawaii (Hilo), followed by stints at Hawaii Pacific, North Idaho, Matanuska-Susitna, and finally finishing her journalism degree at University of Idaho in 1987.
(she will later become infamous for being the first ever journalism major, in the history of journalism, who needed a hire ghost writer to write a book. If you don’t believe me, ask any J-school grad how their book is coming along.)
1992 – After a stint as a sports reporter, she is elected to Wasilly’s city council.
1996 – She becomes Wasilla’s mayorette and requires rape victims to pay for their own rape test kits. (billing them $500 to $1200 per) She attempts to censor the library and ban certain books she finds improper. Somehow, her house sprouts anew, at the same time that an unneeded and unwanted (and unaffordable) sports center is built nearby.
2002 – Sarah loses bid to be Alaska’s Lieutenant Governor, a constitutional office that she believes controls the US Senate, runs the Alaska National Guard, negotiates trade deals with Russia, determines the UN annual peacekeeping budget, and controls early radar warning systems against a pending Soviet Missile attack.
2006 – Bored with normality, Alaska elects Sarah as Governor. During her celebration, she waved “Hi!” to Vladimir Putin from her front porch.
2008 – After a growing disenchantment with actual work, Sarah is plucked from obscurity by an rapidly aging John McCain, who meets with her for 15 minutes before naming her his VP running mate.
Sarah and her gang go on an infamous shopping spree, eventually spending $173,000 of the RNC’s money on designer clothes, leather blouse jackets, and bling. After the uproar, Sarah claims they forced her to do it, but promises to return all clothing. Later, a small pile of used dirty clothing is found in a garbage bag. Most of the clothing is never returned.
2008 – September. Katie Couric snags a one on one interview with Wasilly’s finest. Sarah wins praise for her “Alaskan deer in the headlight” imitation, and puts America’s yute on a fast track for 100% literacy, by admitting that she personally reads every paper in the country.
2008 – Sarah concocts a personal slush fund called the Palin Defense Fund, intended to deal with growing ethical complaints and issues involving herself, family travel, charges for “home” meals, the first dude’s apparent control of the governor’s office, and other ethical and legal violations committed by her or on her orders.
2008 – October. Sarah leads an attack on Obama as Mr. Teleprompter
2008 – November. McCain aides are petrified that Sarah will try to steal the microphone and be herself on live TV. McCain gracefully acknowledges de feet, de ankles, and de knees, as America elects its first president of color.
2009 – July .Tired of having to do real work, Sarah quits the governorship 18 months early, leaving a trashed economy, a destroyed budget process, and a squandered budget surplus (now a growing debt) so she can serve America.
2009 – September. Sarah is paid $150,000 to attend a business convention in Hong Kong, marking the second time that she has left the continental US. (Her illegal trips for Canadian medical care don’t count)
2009 – November. Sarah has a book ghost-written for her. Within 4 months, despite the best efforts of GOP conservative activists, the Koch Family, and most of Fox News, her book remains unread and is eventually relegated to the $2.00 book sale table.
2009 -November. Sarah embarks on a bus tour promoting her book. She and her closest aides travels by private luxury jet and meets her bus before each appearance.
2009 – Sarah’s entourage soon exceeds 30 people, including 19 armed personal security experts. Only SecState Clinton, VP Biden and President Obama have larger security details.
2010 – Sarah quits her book tour early. She begins demanding (and receiving) $100,000 or more for future appearances, plus a private plane, no interviews, prescreened questions by a selected few, bendy straws, and rooms for her entourage. Within a month, they descend like locusts, emptying a Hollywood designer’s bling room of all valuables. The term Trailer Trash is heard in the background.
2010 – February. Sarah is paid in excess of $150,000 to play the role of keynote tele-prompter “reader” for the Tea Bagger convention. This marks Sarah’s acme. She reaches the height of her popularity. Conversely, her support in Alaska falls to near 40% approval, and 54% disapproval in Alaska. Even local conservative GOPers want nothing to do with her and privately hope that she stays down under in the lower 48. The lower 48 slowly begin to follow Alaska’s lead in their disdain.
2010 – April. “Drill baby, Drill,” becomes Sarah’s new motto. In response to internal polls showing falling support for her, they taste test new labels for her, eventually deciding on “Grizzlie Momma.”
2010 – May. Sarah’s upcoming June appearance in Atlanta is so unpopular, that they cut ticket prices from $300 to $25. The event organizers blithely state that her popularity is so huge, that people simply don’t realize that so many tickets are still available.
2010 – May. The California University group who apparently paid her $150,000 to give a speech, finally admit that all the documents were not shredded, and agree to produce the Sarah Contract.
2010 – June. Sarah’s slush fund, Palin Defense Fund, is found to be illegal. Sarah must repay over $380,000. She plans to do just that when she returns the remaining wardrobe purchased with RNC funds.
2010 – June. Sarah’s support becomes the kiss of death. With the exception of South Carolina gubernatorial Candidate Haley, Sarah’s chosen seem to be on the losing end of most elections. Now, 37% of Americans would look cross-eyed at any candidate who seeks her support, and 60% view her unfavorably or very unfavorably. (Only 53% viewed her unfavorably in late 2009)
So how does our MSM respond? Fox News makes her a special correspondent. (I wonder if her correspondence is also ghost written) The Discovery Channel hires her to feature how to kill animals in Alaska. Bristol (her unwed daughter and mother of her grand-daughter) talks family values and starts her own slush fund.
Yet despite all these built in advantages, Americans are seeing the real Sarah, and what they see ain’t pretty. What will really put the final stake in the VAMPire from Alaska will not be political. Even she cannot be so ineffably stupid to try a run for president. It will be financial. Her entourage has grown, not gotten smaller. Her crowds grow ever smaller, as seen in Atlanta, a conservative center that should be in rapture. Rumor suggest that California is having troubles selling tickets for her July appearance.
The good news is that her 15 minutes of fame is finally coming to an end. The bad news is that her 15 minutes of fame is finally coming to an end. Even Billo found her to be ignorant, incomprehensible, and ineffably foolish. Of late, Wassilly Sarah has been doing more to energize the Democrats and the independent voters than anything our DNC, DSCC, DCCC or our White House could do. Oh, well. We knew it would not last.