All right. I confess.
On occasion, I have been known to venture into a Hooter’s Restaurant.
I go there, of course, for the chicken wings. Sometimes, a bowl of gumbo.
Perhaps, when they wander into my field of vision, I might steal a glance at the waitresses, known by the delightfully, politically-incorrect term of “Hooters Girls.”
Such glances are purely inquisitive as I applaud both the elasticity and strength of those tight orange shorts and marvel at just what a Wonder Bra can do with a set of mammary glands.
In these boring, politically-correct times, Hooters remains a throwback to the good old days when men were men, sheep were nervous and Playboy Playmates did look like the girl next door (but only if you were lucky enough to live in the right neighborhood).
“Our waitresses are flattery-operated” declares one sign in Hooters. Yeah, but the unspoken rule is “look, but don’t touch,” a slogan that Playboy bunnies used to wear on their costumes at the old Playboy Clubs. You’re free to look, leer and even enjoy your fantasy, but that’s it, bub, and don’t forget it.
According to legend, a group of young business professionals sitting at their local watering hole one evening cooked up the Hooters concept, visualizing a restaurant where the menu was limited, but the waitresses were amply endowed. The owl logo added just the right in-your-face wink and a way to justify the name.
The legend may or may not be true, but the concept works. Hooters dot the landscape as one of the most successful theme restaurants and now the company may take its act and put it in the air.
This week, the company formed Hooters Air and announced it may buy an airline. The question over whether or not they will put the Hooters Girl on planes as flight attendants is, the company says with a straight face, up in the air.
U.S. Airways declared bankruptcy last weekend. United and Delta may be next. American just axed 7,000 employees but Hooters thinks they can go into the airline business and make money.
Hell, it might work. “Coffee, tea or cleavage” might make enduring the endless security searches worth while. Most planes today are manned by “mature” flight attendants who came back to work after their kids went off to college. Dating a stew no longer ranks high on the list of male fantasies.
But Hooters Air could change all that. Male passengers might actually pay attention to those repetitive safety announcements as they watch a Hooters flight attendant try to don that inflatable vest. Wonder bra could launch a new ad campaign featuring the safety-conscious Hooters Girl.
Watching a Hooters girl push a drink cart up the aisle might qualify as in-flight entertainment. The simple act of requesting a pillow takes on a whole new meaning when that pillow of delivered by a sweet young think in tight orange shorts and a t-shirt straining against its own textile limits.
If Osama’s boys had hijacked a Hooters Air Flight, they might have forgotten all about the 40 virgins and kept their box cutters in their carry-on bags.
Yes, Hooters Air might work.
But only if they serve chicken wings.