John McCain’s Secret Press Conference Training Session

Taxes. Ok, Senator, we’ve planted two questions for you with Andrea Mitchell, one on the economic downturn, which doesn’t actually exist, and one about your economic policy. How will you respond?

A: My friends. The issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should. I’ve got Alan Greenspan’s book, Andrea. And, let’s remember the words of Chairman Mao: ‘It’s always darkest before it’s totally black.’

Great, Senator. Now, try this one. How do your national security issues differ from Barack Obama’s?

A: Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this war. It is common knowledge and has been reported in the media that al-Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq from Iran, that’s well known. And it’s unfortunate. We have a lot of work to do. It’s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border.”

Religion. Where do you stand on the separation of church and state?

A: It’s not social issues I care about.

Here is an easy one. Where do you stand on women’s rights? And why should Hillary voters support you?

A: My friends, I am glad that you asked that question. There is no person in America who supports women more than I do. Women make up almost half of this country, and we are better for them being here. Abortion is an attack on women, so by outlawing abortion, we support women’s rights. Contraception is just like abortion, so by banning contraception, we actually help women promote their health. Hillary is a great leader, and I have to say that I am sorry she did not win. She and I are identical on so much, like the Surge, Iraq, and, er tax cuts, and Iraq. And Iran. Did I mention the Surge?

Senator, the Prime Minister Maliki just visited Iran, and agreed to have closer ties. The US sent its third highest ranking diplomat to meet with Iranian representatives. How does that impact your position on Iran?

A: We know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and I think that they hid them in Iran. I’m as frustrated with the French, I think, as anyone, but look, there’s going to be other challenges and there are going to be other issues. As long as there’s a war on terrorism going on, we’re all going to have to work together. And that means not visiting Iran.

International affairs. Tell us your view of International Affairs.

A: I have never had an international affair. My wife would kill me. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah. Barack Obama stood up in East Germany and told them commies that he wants to tear walls down. I want to build them. I remember when I first built the Berlin Wall to protect us against Soviet terrorists. I remember when I helped build the Maginot Line to help protect the Polish from Shia insurgents. And I remember how I protected the Alamo from Arab insurgents, supplied and trained by Iran, sneaking through our porous Mexicanian border. Just think if we had built the Canadian-Mexicanian wall before 9/11? We would have kept out those rag-headed terrorists who stole those planes and attacked our nation. That is why the Surge worked. Walls work. It is that simple. Walls and Surges. Building walls and building surges.

National Health Care. Where do you stand?

A: We should be able to deliver bottled hot water to dehydrated babies.

You’ve attacked Barack Obama at every opportunity after promising to campaign in a clean fashion. Why is that?

A: I will conduct a respectful debate. Now, it will be dispirited — it will be spirited — because there are stark differences. I am a proud conservative, liberal Republica– conservative Republican…Hello?

How will you deal with illegal immigration and the drug trade?

A: I will veto every single beer, um, bill with earmarks.


  1. Warren

    It’s all about the vice president.

    The odds are that the vice president will become president before the end of McCain’s first term. Almost certainly before the end of his second.

    That is an issue because there is a vested power structure in this country that overwhelmingly wants McCain elected. Yeah, he wasn’t their first choice. But the vice- presidential nominee will be.

    Remember Ohio almost four years ago. Think about ‘Homeland Security’ and orange alerts; red alerts; actual incidents.

    That power structure will do what is necessary to guarantee that the Republican nominees will “win” in November. And whoever is vice-president on the ticket is going to be president.

    Sorry to sound so paranoid.

  2. ekaton

    I believe there is at least a 50-50 chance of a McCain/Jeb Bush ticket. And I wouldn’t count out a McCain/Clinton ticket either.

    — Kent Shaw

  3. DejaVuAllOver

    Satire works best when using the original wording! McCrazy is not hard to crucify, logically speaking, for anyone who is not deaf and blind. But this was funny in the face of a situation that is anything but. Nice, Rob.

  4. Direct Democracy

    “McCain had a unique POW experience. Initially, he was taken to the infamous Hanoi Hilton prison camp, where he was interrogated. By McCain’s own account, after three or four days, he cracked. He promised his Vietnamese captors, “I’ll give you military information if you will take me to the hospital.””

    “John McCain: War Hero or North Vietnam’s Go-To Collaborator?” By Douglas Valentine


  5. pollchecker

    Hey Rob, Maybe this is why Republican Senators are runnning scared! Check this out!

    Endangered GOP Senators Afraid To Be Seen At Convention

    Nine of 12 targeted Republicans running in the most competitive Senate races this fall are either skipping the Republican convention in St. Paul, Minn., or have not decided whether to attend.

    Among those who will not attend are Sen. Ted Stevens of Alaska, who is not close to presumptive presidential nominee Sen. John McCain of Arizona, and Sen. Susan Collins of Maine, who is a McCain loyalist. Stevens and Collins will use the convention week to focus on their campaigns.

    Also sending regrets is former Rep. Bob Schaffer of Colorado, running for the seat being vacated by retiring GOP Sen. Wayne Allard.

  6. Sandra Price

    Thank you Rob, this will be an interesting commentary to watch. My hopes for a failed GOP are looking brigher every day. I believe we need a second political party to keep the balance; just not the one we have at thiz time.

  7. Timr

    great snark. But how can you do satire when the truth goes beyond satire? Case in point. McCain on CNN friday(7/25) said that he supports Obamas timeline of 16 months, but just before that he also had this to say about al-Maliki also saying that the US should leave in 16 months. McCain:He didn’t say that. He doesn’t mean it.I know these people, I have been to Iraq 8 times,They don’t want us to leave. Yet in 2004 McCain said; If a sovereign nation(Iraq) tells us to leave, well then, of course we have to leave. The truth has gone so far beyond satire, I just don’t know, are our current and possible future leaders of the republician party deranged? Have we fallen thru the looking glass? McCain=red queen;Why I can believe 6 impossible things before breakfast.
    BTW, Do you think that maybe McCain is starting to show the early signs of Alzheimer’s? Because he is getting weirder and weirder every day. And what is it with the various surge explanations and changing definitions? Mad Hatters Tea Party anyone?? “We have succeeded in Iraq,we will succeed, the surge succeeded, and the surge will be successful, but it already has succeeded and will succeed in the future” Like WOW man, he’s a stoner, cool.

  8. ekaton

    Its pretty obvious McCain’s brain is addled. I hope the MSM will pretty soon quit giving him so much slack. He’d be nothing more than another puppet controlled by his campaign’s largest donors.

    — Kent Shaw

  9. pollchecker

    You took the words right out of my mouth. I couldn’t agree with you more. Now Imagine this….

    President McSame in a nuclear crises… the order to bomb Iraq, er I meant Iran, er I meant this area over here. Pakistan, …..uh, did I push this red button already? Why isn’t it pretty? ….but back to the matter at hand….what were we talking about again gentlemen? Will someone please turn off that blinking red light or else I will do it! Next thing you know…..booooom!

    Think it’s a joke? Hmmmmm. Well, Everyone knows that often reality is stranger than fiction. (shrug)

  10. Elmo

    I don’t think it’s quite so much a case of his brain being addled (though that may be a separate issue), I think that he has decided that he can’t win without the support of the Neo-Cons. This puts him in a continual state of self-induced cognitive dissonance — his ears just can’t believe what his mouth is saying so they try to get him to say something he really believes and the result is something very much like:

    I thought so little, they rewarded me
    By making me the ruler of the Queen’s Nav-ee

  11. Timr

    I really should reread Alice Thru the Looking Glass, lots of parallels to it and the current repig candidate.

  12. Rob Kezelis

    to be honest, I searched my archives, websites, the intertubes, AND totaled up the words. 90% of them were accurate recitations from his very mouth – although the questions may have been changed to protect the innocent.

  13. Charlie Couser

    Is it just me or has anybody else noticed the similarity between these moronic McCain responses and the addle brained reponses of G.W. Bush in many of his 2000 speeches?

    Sadly, we know what the outcome of that election was, don’t we?

    Charlie Couser

  14. jwritesel

    I was wondering if McCain might be the actual rendition of the Manchurian Candidate. The guy in the original movie got real belligerent like McCain does when he was challenged. Maybe there was more to his stay in the Hanoi Hilton than anyone knows about. Just a thought.