John McCain’s Secret Press Conference Training Session

Taxes. Ok, Senator, we’ve planted two questions for you with Andrea Mitchell, one on the economic downturn, which doesn’t actually exist, and one about your economic policy. How will you respond?

A: My friends. The issue of economics is not something I’ve understood as well as I should. I’ve got Alan Greenspan’s book, Andrea. And, let’s remember the words of Chairman Mao: ‘It’s always darkest before it’s totally black.’

Great, Senator. Now, try this one. How do your national security issues differ from Barack Obama’s?

A: Only the most deluded of us could doubt the necessity of this war. It is common knowledge and has been reported in the media that al-Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq from Iran, that’s well known. And it’s unfortunate. We have a lot of work to do. It’s a very hard struggle, particularly given the situation on the Iraq-Pakistan border.”

Religion. Where do you stand on the separation of church and state?

A: It’s not social issues I care about.

Here is an easy one. Where do you stand on women’s rights? And why should Hillary voters support you?

A: My friends, I am glad that you asked that question. There is no person in America who supports women more than I do. Women make up almost half of this country, and we are better for them being here. Abortion is an attack on women, so by outlawing abortion, we support women’s rights. Contraception is just like abortion, so by banning contraception, we actually help women promote their health. Hillary is a great leader, and I have to say that I am sorry she did not win. She and I are identical on so much, like the Surge, Iraq, and, er tax cuts, and Iraq. And Iran. Did I mention the Surge?

Senator, the Prime Minister Maliki just visited Iran, and agreed to have closer ties. The US sent its third highest ranking diplomat to meet with Iranian representatives. How does that impact your position on Iran?

A: We know that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and I think that they hid them in Iran. I’m as frustrated with the French, I think, as anyone, but look, there’s going to be other challenges and there are going to be other issues. As long as there’s a war on terrorism going on, we’re all going to have to work together. And that means not visiting Iran.

International affairs. Tell us your view of International Affairs.

A: I have never had an international affair. My wife would kill me. Oh, wait. Oh, yeah. Barack Obama stood up in East Germany and told them commies that he wants to tear walls down. I want to build them. I remember when I first built the Berlin Wall to protect us against Soviet terrorists. I remember when I helped build the Maginot Line to help protect the Polish from Shia insurgents. And I remember how I protected the Alamo from Arab insurgents, supplied and trained by Iran, sneaking through our porous Mexicanian border. Just think if we had built the Canadian-Mexicanian wall before 9/11? We would have kept out those rag-headed terrorists who stole those planes and attacked our nation. That is why the Surge worked. Walls work. It is that simple. Walls and Surges. Building walls and building surges.

National Health Care. Where do you stand?

A: We should be able to deliver bottled hot water to dehydrated babies.

You’ve attacked Barack Obama at every opportunity after promising to campaign in a clean fashion. Why is that?

A: I will conduct a respectful debate. Now, it will be dispirited — it will be spirited — because there are stark differences. I am a proud conservative, liberal Republica– conservative Republican…Hello?

How will you deal with illegal immigration and the drug trade?

A: I will veto every single beer, um, bill with earmarks.

Comments

  1. Warren

    It’s all about the vice president.

    The odds are that the vice president will become president before the end of McCain’s first term. Almost certainly before the end of his second.

    That is an issue because there is a vested power structure in this country that overwhelmingly wants McCain elected. Yeah, he wasn’t their first choice. But the vice- presidential nominee will be.

    Remember Ohio almost four years ago. Think about ‘Homeland Security’ and orange alerts; red alerts; actual incidents.

    That power structure will do what is necessary to guarantee that the Republican nominees will “win” in November. And whoever is vice-president on the ticket is going to be president.

    Sorry to sound so paranoid.

  2. ekaton

    I believe there is at least a 50-50 chance of a McCain/Jeb Bush ticket. And I wouldn’t count out a McCain/Clinton ticket either.

    — Kent Shaw

  3. DejaVuAllOver

    Satire works best when using the original wording! McCrazy is not hard to crucify, logically speaking, for anyone who is not deaf and blind. But this was funny in the face of a situation that is anything but. Nice, Rob.

  4. Direct Democracy

    “McCain had a unique POW experience. Initially, he was taken to the infamous Hanoi Hilton prison camp, where he was interrogated. By McCain’s own account, after three or four days, he cracked. He promised his Vietnamese captors, “I’ll give you military information if you will take me to the hospital.””

    “John McCain: War Hero or North Vietnam’s Go-To Collaborator?” By Douglas Valentine

    GO VIRAL