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By DALE McFEATTERS
Now that the Rev. Jerry Falwell has injected the devil into the presidential race, saying that Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton could fire up his supporters more than Lucifer himself, it’s perhaps time to examine the proposition: What if the devil decided to run for president?
We go now to the offices of political consultants Blusmoak & Mirras, where ace operative Jason Spinn is doping out a possible presidential run for the devil.
Have a seat, Mr. Lucifer, and welcome aboard. Next stop: The White House!
Let’s get a formality out of the way. You are a native-born U.S. citizen, are you not? You’ve lived here forever. Good. And you’re over 35? Been around since Adam was in short pants, eh? That’ll play well with the seniors.
First off, I’ve had worse-dressed clients, but not many. That scaly hide with the vile excrescences? Not going to work. We’re going to go with blue and gray suits, maybe with a faint pinstripe to show you’re not a total stiff, and red ties for festive occasions and silver for the more solemn.
Kirsten, are you taking this down?
Is there anything you can do about that brimstone breath? There isn’t. The smoke is bad enough, but the smell of sulfur and sewage is enough to kill a whole rope line. We’ll just have to work around it then.
Kirsten, call the tobacco people on the QT and tell them we have a sleeper candidate for them. And get the head of the sewers workers’ union on the line and tell him we need a fast photo-op with his board.
Caught you on Bill O’Reilly the other night. That was pretty spectacular when he got you angry and you pretended to fling him into a fiery pit. How did you pull off those special effects?
It wasn’t a special effect? Kirsten, cancel the Katie Couric interview on CBS. We can’t have America’s sweetheart consigned to the fires of hell. Book him on Larry King instead.
Appearancewise, the last thing we need to deal with is the horns and the forked tail. Any chance ….? I see. They stay. Kirsten, book Mr. Lucifer for a round of appearances in Texas. They’re big on horns. And try some of the other livestock states. Maybe some dairy farmers in New Hampshire.
That takes care of one early state. Do you have any special affinity to Iowa? Pigs. You like cloven hoofs. Kirsten! You heard, OK. Mr. Lucifer, I don’t want to get ahead of myself, but I’m hearing the first faint strains of "Hail to the Chief."
Now about the name, Lucifer. It’s not that it’s too ethnic. It’s just that _ and don’t get me wrong here _ it’s just a little too precious. Americans like their presidents to have simple names, straightforward, easy to pronounce, one syllable, two tops _ Bush, Clinton, Reagan, Ford, you get the drift.
Do you go by any other names that we might use?
I see. Satan. The Archfiend. The Evil One. Prince of Darkness. Oh, my. Angel of the Bottomless Pit. I’m sensing some negatives here.
Why don’t you just pick a name you like. Hillary Clinton? Sorry, that one’s taken. Milton? John Milton. I like it. Sounds vaguely familiar, but familiarity is a plus.
Have a chance? Do you have a chance? Not to brag, but I’ve gotten lots worse than you elected. See you at the inauguration.
(Contact Dale McFeatters at McFeattersD(at)SHNS.com. Distributed by Scripps Howard News Service, http://www.shns.com)