The Five That Couldn’t Shoot Straight

Justices Roberts, Scalia, Kennedy, Thomas and Alito have finally done it: They have deciphered the 221 year old enigma with respect to what the framers were actually thinking when they drafted the Second Amendment.
It all hangs on the following sentence:
“A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.”
Oops, sorry. That was the original phrasing. The actual sentence that was passed by the House and Senate was:
“A well regulated Militia, being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the people to keep and bear Arms, shall not be infringed.”
I don’t know, maybe I’m just too dumb to figure it all out, but I reckon that, either way, the mention of the word militia was not fortuitous nor was it unwarranted. It sounds to me as if they meant to say that the right to keep and bear arms was predicated on the need for a well regulated militia. If that were not the case then why mention militia at all? If the gang of five is correct in their interpretation, then the framers were smoking something truly amazing for the time: they must have been in some acute stupor and the dialogue might have sounded something like this:
Framer 1: “Yo, man, what about this gun thing?
Framer 2: “What… pass me the pipe… gun… huh… what?”
Framer 1: “Hey, take it easy on the stash. You know, the thing about people bearing arms… Don’t bogart that pipe!”
Framer 2: “Most people have two arms… What the hell are you talking about?”
Framer 1: “We need to decide on this arms thing… Can we let them keep their arms?”
Framer 2: “You better put down the pipe. You ain’t makin’ no sense, brother. Of course they can keep their arms, we ain’t goin’ to cut them off. Supposin’ we needed to form a militia, they need their arms to fight, am I right?”
Framer 1: “Hey that’s a good one! What about if we say that they can have arms and a militia?”
Framer 2: “Whatever…”
Framer 1: (Laughing fiendishly) “This’ll keep ‘em guessin’ for the next 200 years. Would you give me that damned pipe!”
But the joke has been on us. We have had heated debates and voluminous tomes written on the reason for the commas and the capitalization of the words “militia”, “arms” and “people”. And while we sit around arguing about the copy-editing skills of some guys who have long been buried, innocent people keep on dying at the hands of madmen and bandits. “There must be some way out of here, said the joker to the thief.”


  1. Ezekiel

    One can only hope…

    Chaos is the origin of the universe… Mathematics is its language.

  2. Hoosier_CowBoy

    As of today, there are about 1000 billionaires in the world, 1 billionaire is created every week and they own most of the hard assets on this planet. At the same time, 2.4 million poor starving bastards pop out every 7 days.

    If I were one of the rich gentry in the world, common sense would indicate that the numbers are definitely against me in the long run. All the money in the world didn’t do Louis XVI any good on his way to the guillotine. It didn’t do Nicholas and Alexandra any good sitting down in that basement in Katrinasburg.

    The Supremes, the last bastion of the rights of the rich don’t quite understand the long term implications of their Second Amendment decision. Maybe the poor starving bastards of the world will.

    I like the Second Amendment because it keeps the rich a..holes a little uneasy. One day the 6.5 billion poor starving bastards on this planet might for a moment quit killing each other and use their arms in the way it was intended, to bring an arrogant ruling class to accountability.

  3. Ezekiel

    I think Bush and Cheney already thought of that. Although, I doubt that their motives were as altruistic as what you suggest 🙂

    Chaos is the origin of the universe… Mathematics is its language.

  4. bryan mcclellan

    Yeah, and we can raise the price of gas enough so cars can’t kill anybody too.