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John McCain announces new federal department

By
June 6, 2008

DATELINE: Scottsdale AZ 6 June 2008

For months, the presumptive Republican Presidential nominee, John McCain, has been bedeviled by a continuing series of factual errors and misstatements. His top campaign staffers have announced the creation of a new Federal Department to deal with past, present and future errors.

The Department of Special Explanations will open its doors the day of President McCain’s inauguration. Efforts to jump the gun, so to speak, and allow the Department to begin its work in advance of January 2009 have come to a standstill because of the unconstitutional gridlock created the by the Democrat Party leadership. As a cabinet level department, the Secretary of Special Explanations will have unprecedented access to the President, his staff and to all branches of government, including DOJ, DOD, NSA, INS, FBI, EPA, NASA, CIA, DIA, SSN, HHS, IRS, ABC, DEF, and GHI, as well as all federal agencies.

Critics argued that the creation of the DSE was unnecessary and wasteful, duplicating the efforts of the White House Press Office. This position is refutably false and without basis. The White House Press Office will continue to place mis-informed, not very bright, deer-eyed pretty faces in front of a brain-dead, stenographic press corpse, just as it does today. There will be no change in the Press Office’s responsibility, staffing or spin.

DSE will bring a whole new approach to information and perception management, not only correcting the misstatements and factual errors that might accidently befall any 172 year old president, but anticipating his future misstatements and providing the proper context, background and framing of both the issue, the facts leading to the President’s intended statement, as well as detailed instructions on what the proper reaction to the intended statement should be.

The first phase of DSE will involve the scrubbing of some of President McCain’s most recent statements, replacing them in each and every database with the more appropriate, factually massaged, and appropriate words, creating a tight, clean, and unimpeachable fit with all other surrounding facts and circumstances deemed important and appropriate by the DSE directors.

The second phase of DSE will set the guidelines for online, real time editing all future statements of not only President McCain, but his staffers, department heads, even approved members of congress. Gone is the need to coordinate messages on blackberrys, faxes and secret e-mails. Within just 8 months, every message from our great and glorious country will be on message.

The beauty about this programming capacity is that Americans, and the whole world, will see the complete message, the right message and only the message. Very shortly, the enhanced communications capacity will be invisible to the end viewer. Even better, the internet controls that will be installed will insure that all third party communications will fall within the appropriate guidelines laid out in advance by DSE. This added capacity will allow DSE to work closely with the Department of Homeland Security, weeding out the last of any hidden terror-supporting groups, thereby making America safe, sound and fully protected from enemies both foreign and domestic. This set of programs, known as Patriot III, are well on their way to being perfected

The third phase will involve a detailed review, oversight, weighing and correction of all FUTURE statements made by President McCain, even those not yet made. With the proper software enhancements, previous administrations, notably, Reagan, Bush 1 and Bush 2 can be scrubbed clean and free of any pesky slurred words, mispronunciations, errors and other unimportant matters that detract from a good, clean, effective conservative, patriotic and approved religious message.

At the same time as these cleansing efforts begin, scholarships for highschool and college students will be offered, giving the best and the brightest a leg up in a future, fast growing career.

To really get the flavor of the power of the DSE software, we have gathered some admittedly erroneous statements of our future president and cleansed them with a Level One “rinsing.” When completed, there will be five more, more potent levels available to the DSE secretary and his top staffers.

Here are the examples:

Before:
“”There’s no doubt in my mind that we will prevail and there’s no doubt in my mind, that the Iraqi people will greet us as liberators.” (3-22-2003)
After:
“But, my friends, as I have said many times, the true Iraqi patriots, the ones supporting democracy, peace, and the American way, will greet us as liberators. And I will be proud to walk among them, in their stores, their streets, and their successful businesses. ”

Before:
“I am confident we are on the right course in Iraq.” (10-31-2004)
After:
“This will be a long hard, involved, but necessary struggle, one that will eventually put Iraq and its warm, democracy loving, American supporting people on the right course.”

Before:
“There’s not a history of clashes that are violent between the Sunnis and Shias. So I think they will probably get along.” (4-23-03)
After:
“Just because there is no recent history of clashes between Sunni and Shia, our leaders on the ground are fully prepared to deal with it, if it would occur. My friends, I am far more worried about Iran, training terrorists, building devices to attack Americans remotely, and possibly one day, to threaten us and our friends, like Israel with thermonuclear weaponry.”

Before:
“Keeping a bureaucratic nightmare like AMTRAK alive is a nonnegotiable issue.” (1-28-2008)
After:
“I can guarantee my fellow Americans that gas prices will continue to fall, meaning that wasting resources on AMTRAK would be unAmerican and unpatriotic.”

12 Responses to John McCain announces new federal department

  1. Carl Nemo

    June 12, 2008 at 11:27 pm

    Thanks DejaVuAllover for the lyrics to a song that most appropriately describes the plight of the USS America…!

    Carl Nemo **==

  2. Sandra Price

    June 6, 2008 at 5:47 pm

    THIS IS A JOKE….RIGHT?

  3. knockknock

    June 6, 2008 at 5:56 pm

    This is hilarious! John McCain trying to sound presidential by announcing formation of a department when he doesn’t have power to do anything?

    Did he get the idea right after he pushed the gas tax thing that Hillary came up with? OMG, who writes this stuff, Jon Stewart?

    I’m rolling on the floor holding my sides.

    McCain read somewhere that the Dems are now refusing PAC, Lobbyist and similar funding and are conforming to Obama’s strict fundraising techniques, and must’ve thought it was a federal thing, so he came up with this new government department, while simultaneously accusing Obama of plans to make Big Government even bigger.

    Here we are, actually watching history come alive instead of reading about it in school books, and McCain doesn’t even get this right.

    Who will play McCain if a movie is ever made about him, Adam Sandler?

  4. Ted Remington

    June 6, 2008 at 10:01 pm

    Marlon Brando. So what if he’s dead; he’s got more personality dead than McCain does alive.

    Ted

  5. DejaVuAllOver

    June 6, 2008 at 11:16 pm

    I’d still bet that McCain won’t remember he created the office, but then, maybe that’s the point!

  6. JudyB

    June 7, 2008 at 1:41 pm

    Maybe Obama could top McCain by making it a crime for politicians, elected officials, and the media to lie, mis-state, or otherwise “sell” the nation their agenda’s (ie: their bullshit). Maybe with a jail sentence hanging over their heads, they’d think twice before spewing crap!

  7. Direct Democracy

    June 7, 2008 at 10:34 pm

    Heeeeeeeeere’s Johnny!

    Direct Democracy

  8. Carl Nemo

    June 8, 2008 at 4:23 am

    I’ve noticed something interesting today. Now that “shillary” is out of the running leaving Obama, they seem to have adopted John “McCrazy” as their darling candidate. I swear when these MSM “running dogs” for the shadowy elite mention his name, they damn near salute or strike their breast three times with their fist in deference.

    Old Stalinist Russia would be envious as to how effectively the modern MSM working hand-in-hand with the corporatist controlled state have managed to ever-so-gently, over the years, mold public opinion with the power of the “one-eye”…!

    Even rallies for Hillary and McCain, even Obama astound me with the shear number of vapidly grinning, handclapping, unresearched simps who obviously know nothing about these characters that run for office other than to show up in great numbers to support them. Serious research is simply too much work. Evidently they just know they’ll get the straight scoop from their favorite talking heads either on TV or the AM radio.

    If they knew the unvarnished truth about both Clinton and McCain’s sordid anti-American activities, concerning jobs, the war, the environment and host of other issues they’d run for their very lives to the exits . They’d realize in an instant that neither Hillary or McCain are friends of “we the people” and are both enemies of the Republic.

    All I can say is the USS America is severely damaged, taking on water in all major compartments courtesy of the Bushista’s and is headed to the bottom. It’s just a matter of time and we’re now in the sweephand mode to midnight…!

    Carl Nemo **==

  9. woody188

    June 16, 2008 at 2:30 pm

    Yup, Hillary and McCain have always been the favorites of the Zionists that own the corporate media. But make no mistake, Obama is also a globalist and has the same goal as Hillary and McCain for one world government.

  10. CheckerboardStrangler

    June 9, 2008 at 11:09 am

    Rob I originally thought Olyve wrote this and told her she is the next Art Buchwald. Then I went back to this page and realized that the next Art Buchwald is actually YOU.
    You’re on a roll, dude…I think one of the papers needs to snap you up…if they will let us keep you too for a while.

    JeffH in Occupied TX

  11. DejaVuAllOver

    June 12, 2008 at 3:44 pm

    Nice mini-rant, Carl! One of your better ones. Couldn’t agree more. Cheers, mate.

  12. DejaVuAllOver

    June 12, 2008 at 3:51 pm

    By the way, any of you out there remember the song “Save Our Ship” by Blood, Sweat and Tears?

    The storms that we have weathered, have battered us and bruised us,
    The winds of change have blown us off our course.
    The crew stands divided, on the course to be decided,
    And the captain cannot see that we are lost.

    Save Our Ship, for we are slowly sinking.
    Save Our Ship, or we will surely drown.
    If there be a good man aboard her, let them sail us to fair harbor.
    Save our ship, before our ship goes down.
    Before our ship goes down.

    A great song, IMHO. Written about Vietnam, but couldn’t be more true, today.