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The ABCs of debates

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April 17, 2008

By now, the conventional wisdom is that ABC blew the debate, and blew it big. WaPo, Huff Post, DKos, even Gov. Rendell of Pennsylvania admitted that the ridiculous, insulting, inane, and immaterial attacks by George Stephenapolous and Charlie Gibson were probably the worst in the entire debate history of boredcast TV.

I beg to differ. I think that this was the best thing to happen to ABC and to the whole idea of campaigning/debates. It opens up a whole new world for political candidates. Think of it as a reality show, with much cleaner, clearer, and far cheaper results in just one week. Forget this 8 month campaign garbage.

George “Stephie” apparently met with Sean Hannity prior to his attack on his best friend’s opponent. Hannity reportedly dictated issues and questions to Stephie, who was so obvious in his efforts to derail Obama’s campaign, that, when combined with even worse questions and attacks from Gibson, the television audience booed the debate handlers. Ah, those fools. There was no reason to boo, it was an opportunity to cheer! After all, ABC had the largest crowd in primary debate history.

Several truths become immediately obvious.
a) There is a reason why Americans are, for the most part, completely uninformed about national and international issues, especially when compared to most other countries. ABC is a prime reason why this is true and why it is getting worse.

b) ABC has long ceased having a news branch. Infomercials are about as close as ABC will ever get to providing content-based news ever again.

c) ABC has no interest in grass roots politics succeeding. They smell the hint of fair access, content-based journalism (no more blond bimbo stories), and changes in conglomerate monopolistic holdings that current affect, infect, and render new reporting ineffectual. Should Obama win, Americans might see real change in news, in that they will finally see it on their TV.

d) As of yesterday, ABC has broken ground on a whole new approach to primary competitions.

Yes, boys and girls, moms and dads, we should not complain about ABC and its pathetic debate efforts, we should applaud it. We saw last night a whole new approach in how candidates get selected.

In 1987, Paul Michael Glaser directed a hit movie starring Ahnold Schwartzenegger, called The Running Man. It featured lots of fight scenes, high tech imaging, special effects, and most importantly, dead bodies. Glaser was before his time. His approach should be adopted by ABC and applied to the future nominations of Democratic presidential candidates.

First, when a large pool of democratic candidates signs up, they will have to sign, attest to, have witnessed and have notarized a 14 page, single spaced, (the back side has the small print) release which has THIS IS A RELEASE embossed in bold on each page.

Four candidates will be picked by lot to play real Russian Roulette right after each advertisement. One ad, one shot.

Four other candidates will then be thrown into a huge deep, muddy water pit. On the other side of the pit is an alligator gun, with ammo hidden in fake bushes around the perimeter of the pit. The reason for the gun is that the pit will contain two huge, hungry gators. As the contestants swim from bush to bush, trying to find the ammo, the gators should cull out the crowd fairly quickly. As the gators feed, the survivors can then find the ammo, shot the gators, and win that part of the contest. (Hillary should have several advantages, including all that gun training she had as a yute, AND the professional courtesy that the alligators will show her.

Day Two will involve finding and disarming a terrorist IED in a three story crack house in Detroit, armed only with a butter knife, the latest issue of The POlitico, and $14.00 in dimes.

Day Three? Depending on the number of contestants left, it can be as simple as a duel with a choice of weapons, Pistols, Sabers, Epees (untipped) or even something as fascinating as dueling Maces (the Jesuits created the deadly Mace because some bleeding heart pope banned priests from carrying swords)

With Stephie and Gibson giving color commentary, it would be a guaranteed winner in any ratings war. Most importantly, we will know who the Survivor is!

Yes, we should be thanking Stephie and Gibson, rather than complaining about their stupid, insulting questions. After all, we don’t want real, honest answers. All we want is good, clean, bloody entertainment.

6 Responses to The ABCs of debates

  1. AustinRanter

    April 17, 2008 at 9:58 pm

    I think ABC’s big mistake was that they should had Bill Clinton in lieu of Charles Gibson. The questions and tone of the debate by the moderators would have then been way more fair and balanced.

    I saw the terror in Hillary’s eyes each time Mr. Gibson posed a question. He had that look as though if she mispoke that he would get aggressive.

    Obama, on the other hand should have brought his beach umbrella and star spangled flip flops and of course a Jimmy Buffett Margarita. All he had to do is suit up and show up and relax with Gibson and Stephie as mods.

    Bill Clinton would have asked Hillary some really tough questions, but he would have been civil and gentle and Mr. Obama would have been shaking in his flip flops.

  2. LurkingFromTheLeft

    April 18, 2008 at 9:26 am

    The media’s real mistakes

    …include ignoring one candidate that has a new pawspective on things

    Please check
    http://khyraskhorner.blogspot.com/
    or
    http://www.worldofturbo.com/

    …I’ve mentioned here before how my daughter is the ‘khampaign khoordinator’ for Turbo-08. We are diligently trying to get Tubey the recognition he deserves. So far, no one is taking this story by the paw it deserves!

    LFTL

  3. bryan mcclellan

    April 18, 2008 at 10:38 am

    Rob : is that you beside me in the early morning mist on the 30th floor ledge? HA! I’d love to contribute Lefty but I had to fill my gas tank and don’t dare cut into my ALPO funds, still hoping to save enough for an onion to give the meatloaf a little zing.

  4. bryan mcclellan

    April 19, 2008 at 4:35 am

    A Yute with a butter knife? Couldn’t let it go. Had too, I’m better now.

  5. DejaVuAllOver

    April 19, 2008 at 7:46 pm

    Wasn’t it Oliver Wendall Holmes who said, “The more I learn about people, the more I like dogs.”

    Anyway, LTL, thanks for the pooch links. I’m with Oliver, or whoever said that…….

    And Rob, there IS something kinda liberating about seeing ABC, NBC, FOX and the neocon / capitalist machine gasping for air. I think the Internet was more than our handlers bargained for. Oh, darn.

  6. LurkingFromTheLeft

    April 19, 2008 at 11:51 pm

    Thanks for noticing!

    …it has been a long walk but we are still trying to get Tubey the recognition he deserves –

    …I’ll pass along your praise –

    …make sure you get a treat of some sort for that!

    Cheers,
    LFTL