The real Commander in Chief Test

INSTRUCTIONS:
Use only a #2 pencil and be sure to fill in the circle completely. This is a time critical test, and answering every question is important. Keep you questions sealed until 3:00am, unless the exam proctologist instructs you otherwise. There will be no talking during the exam and restroom stops will only be permitted one at a time.

The proctors have been instructed to not help you with any questions. Good luck!

1) What is your Name?
a.Hillary
b.Barack
c.John
d.Ralph
e.I do not recall

2) How many years experience do you have?
a.35
b.12
c.15 to life. No, wait. That was Keating. Never mind.
d.As many as I need
e.I do not recall

3) Have you ever been shot at?
a.Yes, there were snipers waiting for me in Bosnia. I literally RAN to the armored transport.
b.Yup, in the south side of Chicago
c.The gooks shot my fucking plane down
d.GM took aim at me once. Maybe twice.
e.I do not recall.

4) Tell me about NAFTA
a.I lied about being for it before I lied about being against it. Ask the Canadians.
b.It needs change. Major restructuring.
c.The gooks shot my fucking plane down.
d.NAFTA sucks the life blood out of your soul.

5) How about Robocalls in primaries – have you ever used them in this campaign?
a.You can never prove that Mark & Patti set them up. Ever. Besides, that was cash – untraceable.
b.We need to change the tone of campaigns. We don’t do robocalls.
c.Karl Rove is joining my campaign. Ask him. He’ll know best.
d.NAFTA sucks the life blood out of your soul.

6) Have you ever lied about your opponent’s tax policy in a mailer, either in Texas, Oklahoma, Ohio, or Pennsylvania?
a.You can never prove that Mark and Patti set them up. Ever. Besides, Patti retired. And those mailers were paid for in cash, small, unmarked bills, too.
b.My campaign will never lie in mailers.
c.The gooks shot my fucking plane down. And I think Texas is a great state.
d. Today’s tax policies are criminal. Just like my opponents.

7) Have you ever supported the Iraq invasion and occupation?
a.Had I known then what I know know, the stance taken on this complex set of issues would have been more nuanced, more researched. Besides, the majority of my private polls proved that it was the right decision at that time. What was your question?
b.I have always felt this was a mistake, probably our worst foreign mistake in our history.
c.The Gooks shot my – wait, what, Karl? Oh, yeah. We went in to do a hard job, and our boys are doing it. It is the right thing to do, not the easy thing to do.
d.They lied us into war. They lied us into economic destruction. They lied. People died.

8) Where do you stand on Women’s rights?
a.Unlike my competition, I OWN this issue. Because. Besides, I don’t vote present. I simply vote last.
b.Every woman’s organization knows where I stand. It is unfortunate that others lie like a dead tree in a lumber yard.
c.The gooks shot my – – What, Karl? Oh, yeah. Women are important until they grow these feetsie thingies. How’s that? Oh, Fetuses. Right.
d.The only woman’s right that Mrs. Rodham Clinton supports is her own.

9) What do you do when the phone rings at 3:00am?
a.I have 35 yrs of experience of answering the phone at 3:00am. Trust me. With the dawg, I got plenty of these calls.
b.It is always 3:00am someplace on this globe. I will pick talented staff to respond with rational, experienced, and appropriate responses. When I need to make a decision, it will be from strength and based on the best intelligence we can get.
c.Karl said I can’t talk about being shot down. Not even at 3:00am.
d.The two party system is broken.

10) What is happening in Iraq?
a.I flew in to Bagdad with snipers taking shots at me. The ceremony they had planned had to be cancelled. I was forced to run to the armored vehicles in HIGH effin HEELS! Can you males do that? Never forget that she danced BETTER than Fred, backwards and in high heels! Luckily, my diplomatic efforts in Bosnia, Ireland, Chechnya, Turkey, Syria, Israel and Zimbabwe prove that my 35 yrs of experience has been useful.
b.Iraq is a quagmire. Our presence is making things worse. We must withdraw and let Iraqis run their own country.
c.Nuke the bastards. That will solve it. Besides Iran IS training Al Qaida and sending them back to Iraq. Oh, and we are winning. The surge is working.
d.The two party system is broken.

11) What major foreign affairs success have you had?
a. I personally negotiated open borders in Macedonia to fleeing Kosovar refugees. Ignore the fact that the borders were opened before I arrived. They were afraid of me.
b.I am creating ties to many nations and many people in Africa, Asia, and the middle east. Communication is far more important than grandiose claims that are proven false.
c.Did I tell you that the gooks shot my plane down? Oh, I proved that Iran is training Al Qaida and sending them to Iraq. I still want to nuke the bastards. Starting with the gooks.
d.Is my pencil working? Why is the pencil not working for me?

12) Have you ever planted questions in staged public meetings?
a.Look, buster. Do you know how many morons are at those things? Just because we asked -one girl one time- six people, six times, to lob questions, you attack me? I AM INEVITABLE!
b.No.
c.Public meetings? In a bus?
d.Hello? Is anyone listening? Hello? Can someone unlock the door, please? Hello?

13) Who are you named after?
a.Sir Edmund Hilary, the Mt. Everest climber, looked into my mother’s eyes, and said I would be president.
b.My father’s tribe’s leader.
c.I forgot. That was so long ago.
d.My mom had morning sickness after driving unsafely at any speed.

14) Where were you on 9/11?
a.I was working shoulder to shoulder with NY firemen, and I personally saved Chelsea’s life, as well as digging out three first responders with my bare hands. Did I tell you that I helped shoot down the last plane?
b.In Springfield, Illinois. I was working on legislation.
c.I forgot. Was I still in ‘Nam?
d.The two party system is broken. Does my mike work? Hello? Anyone?

15) What was the best investment you ever made?
a.That $1000 futures trade was due to my talent and insight.
b.Two things. I invested in my college education and I invested my life in the best partner anyone could imagine – Michelle.
c.I used to love savings and loans. Now, I think the mortgage market has some real opportunities.
d.Investments are the curse of the capitalistic system.

16) What is your favorite team?
a.I have always been a Yankees fan. Unless I am in Pittsburgh or Phili or Boston.
b.Even while visiting in Green Bay, I am a Bears fan.
c. Karl, why can’t I talk about the gooks anymore?
d.Pro Sports teams are a plague on society.

17) How would you use the FBI?
a.I have never heard of Craig Livingstone, and I never personally looked at those 937 files he allegedly controlled.
b.The FBI must be a modern, constitutional, national police force, investigating crime, and preventing domestic acts of terror, so long as they act within the law, and under warrants approved of by a court of law.
c.Hey, Louis Freeh endorsed me. That should be good enough for you.
d.The FBI is a plague on society. Hey, is anyone out there? Hello?

18) Do you believe in evolution?
a. Look bud, questions like that will piss off the religious. It is INTERESTING how I, a woman, always get picked on first in these tests. Well, buster, you better watch yourself.
b) The science of evolution is well proven.
c) Did I tell you that the gooks shot my fucking plane down?
d) Can anyone please unlock this door? Hello? Anyone? Anyone?

12 Responses to "The real Commander in Chief Test"

  1. Ardie  April 5, 2008 at 3:53 pm

    The real question–and it is only one–concern the notion of war itself as differentiated from a game.

    Which pair does not describe war?

    a. Winning and losing
    b. Conqueror and vanquished

    In the case of Iraq we can leave without being conquerors or being vanquished. I hope our politicians will learn how to use their brains one day.

  2. Lese Majeste  April 6, 2008 at 11:37 am

    The results of the two previous takers of this test, GW Bush and Bill Clinton, were not available at press time.

    GW’s was not made available due to “National Security” concerns that forced the DHS head, Mike Jeroff, to send in a platoon of Blackwater mercs to obtain by any method, the test results.

    We could not confirm reports that most of the building was shot to pieces and numerous personnel were killed.

    Clinton’s was not available due to security concerns about who was hiding in the building.
    Clinton ordered in units from the DEA, the Army Delta Force and the FBI to surround the building.

    Unfortunately, during this exercise, someone’s carelessly tossed cigarrete ignited the building, burning it to the ground, incinerating all the occupants.

    Clinton appointed OJ Simpson to get to the bottom of this great tragedy.

  3. 33rdSt  April 2, 2008 at 4:46 pm

    The correct answer, even though it is not presented as an option for any question after question 3) is 3.

    I mean, even Barack Obama agrees Ronnie was the greatest president in our history! And it is the only answer that was incontrovertibly true when uttered by the person uttering it at the time.

  4. DejaVuAllOver  April 2, 2008 at 5:02 pm

    That was great, Rob! You made my morning!

  5. Carl Nemo  April 2, 2008 at 5:35 pm

    Thanks Rob for the humor. Truly, a world class “hoot”… :))

    Carl Nemo **==

  6. Klaus Hergeschimmer  April 2, 2008 at 7:23 pm

    Hey Seal, If your around, I thought up a variation on your
    term you coined, DEMOCRAPPER.

    How about when talking about a person who is a Democrat in the singular, for example: A ‘DEMOCRAPIC’ SENATOR….:D

    That sort of has a little bit of a lilt to it>

    DEMOCRAPIC :D

  7. Wayne K Dolik  April 2, 2008 at 10:25 pm

    Hey Robert, I need that baked potato recipe again.

  8. LurkingFromTheLeft  April 3, 2008 at 7:33 am

    Oh yes –

    …what a GREAT way to start my day –

    Bravo!!!

    LFTL

  9. calico_jack  April 3, 2008 at 11:08 am

    Who is D.

    Is it Ron Paul? Mike Gravel? Both? God I miss those guys already.

  10. Rob Kezelis  April 3, 2008 at 12:51 pm

    Ralph Nader

  11. barak  April 3, 2008 at 11:37 am

    Was that supposed to be funny? I thought it was serious.
    It’s true about #3, you know…

  12. CheckerboardStrangler  April 3, 2008 at 12:22 pm

    Will America smell Karl Rove’s DNA in McCain’s campaign when he starts using that old black magic?

    JeffH in Occupied TX

Comments are closed.