The Clinton Machine Needs WD-40

By Maggie Van Ostrand

The Clinton Machine, the one that’s trying to steamroll over Barack Obama, appears to have radical mechanical problems, like a few loose screws.

Since Hillary is never to blame for anything, it’s no surprise that the low-class shenanigans going on there are blamed not on her, but on “The Clinton Machine.” Might this be a ploy to keep Hillary’s skirts squeaky clean? Except even in pants, the mud stains are knee high.

And the machine had a big lip blip out of fundraiser, Geraldine Ferraro. The way Ferraro publicly freaked out in protective defense of Hillary might have been heartwarming if it hadn’t been so unattractive. Nothing turns people off like an angry woman. That’d be Geraldine. Her longtime intimate friend, Hillary, however, appears to have more command over her emotions, enabling tears to well up for the sympathy vote, girlishly giggling when polls tell her advisers told they might work, and a brow-raising look of surprise every time someone in her campaign says something nasty about the opponent — as far as I know.

Another problem with the Clinton Machine is that the wrong people appear to be charging the battery in the Hillary doll. The wiring got crossed and advisors don’t seem to know whether to push the cry button, the fighter button, or the hurt button. Unfortunately, these manipulations work, it’s just not too farsighted to push them all during the same week.

The confusion created by such erratic behavior may be why Hillary shouted a crowd-pleasing slogan in Ohio: “As Ohio goes, so goes the nation!!!” Except the actual saying has always been “As Maine goes, so goes the nation.” Well, what’s accuracy in this disgraceful affair. One “contestant” wants to bring the country together, and the other is ripping it apart.

Perhaps she should hire a new adviser, like Eliot Spitzer. Oh that’s right, she yanked his name off her website list of endorsers the minute she found out he was no longer a super delegate. And they say her greatest trait is loyalty.

Or she could simply re-employ Janet Reno who could Waco anyone in the Clinton machine who got out of line.