Pothole Heaven

Paris – the City of Lights
Florence – the City of Love
Denver – the Mile High City
Cleveland – the City of Burning Rivers
Detroit – Motown
LA – . . . . (the debate continues – is it a city?)
Washington DC – the City of Morons and Thieves


Chicago – the City of Potholes

Many here already know that Chicago has four seasons: summer, winter, elections, and road construction.

The one steady element that remains in place throughout the year is the constant indictments of politicians, construction engineers, road builders and ward committeemen who conspire to provide the Chicago area with the worst possible roads, and the highest possible cost, with the longest construction time possible. Those lovely road contracts are particularly rife with corruption and fraud, keeping the US Attorneys quite busy in every season.

Some of you, particularly those from the north, may think you understand how potholes are created. You were taught that small cracks are created over time, allowing snow and water to drip in. When the weather changes, ice forms, expanding the cracks slightly, and even causing a cavity under the surface. With the next thaw, that cavity collapses under traffic, and voila, a new pothole is formed. Salting the roads in winter only speeds things up, because of the thaw-freeze-thaw-freeze cycle.

I am sorry to be the first to tell you this, but this is all wrong. What you learned were mere Olde Wives’ Tales, and so forth. Just as Maine is famous for its lobsters, San Fran reknown for its seafood, Arizona for its big ditch, and Miami with the best coke, Chicago is the home of the pothole. In fact, Chicago is the birthplace and current home of the original mommy and daddy potholes.

It is a little known fact that potholes are actually alive, much like bacteria or amoeba. The first American potholes were discovered almost 170 years ago, in Fort Dearborn, as it was called then, (It was later renamed “the place of stinking onions”, AKA, Chicago).

Like all one-celled living creatures, Chicago potholes never die. They simply split off into new, smaller baby potholes. Chicago potholes are famous for their voracious appetites. They eat concrete, cold and hot tar, and asphalt faster than Hillary’s campaign eats campaign contributions. If you happen to see a city crew or private contractor fill a particularly nasty pothole, come back late that evening and listen. You can actually hear the pothole eating its way free of its confinement. For reasons that remain unknown, a full moon increases the pothole appetite tremendously.

If you doubt any of part of this story, I invite you to drive the city streets. Make sure you bring $175 for towing charges, and another $350 for a quick change and alignment job for your car.

Politicians in Chicago are no fools. They just sold the Skyway for profit, they continue to sell the naming rights to stadia and other city assets. They also get HUGE kickbacks for pothole filling contracts. This winter, they tried to rent out part of Western Avenue (a major N-S thoroughfare going the length of the city) to NASA. Because no less than seven generations of potholes currently thrive on Western, experts thought that Western would be a perfect place for NASA scientists to test their latest versions of Mars and Moon landers. After a recent inspection, NASA rejected the offer, claiming that the potholed street presented a far more rigorous and dangerous condition than anything that Mars could offer.

Lest you think otherwise, Chicago potholes are not some benign life form. Small animals and children have been known to go missing in potholes for days, even weeks. In fact, one new pothole on Montrose recently swallowed two cabs, half a city bus, a pizza delivery boy and a US mailman. As it grew, it took a huge bite out of a 100 yr old water main, causing flooding throughout the area. Bitter cold, combined with the massive flooding are just par for the course. Luckily, the delivery boy and the mailman were found alive, with only slight pothole bite marks on their legs.

With all the bickering, pro and anti Hillary posts, the snarky attacks and counter-attacks on Obama, and the general presence of short tempers, I felt it was time to distract you all with this pseudo-scientific report about my favorite city.