A Gaggle of Politicians

By Maggie Van Ostrand

Glib Funny Huckabee, Passionate Intelligent Paul, Fiery Strong McCain, and Arrogant Sneering Romney debated at the Ronald Reagan Museum in California tonight. I had the feeling Romney and McCain had a hissing smackdown simply to compete with the Hillary-Obama exchange which netted so much media coverage. Romney, however, had the closest shave.

If Reagan’s name had been invoked one more time, I thought Nancy would come onstage and hug the contestants, er, I mean, candidates.

The winner of the debate in the looks department would have to be Anderson Cooper’s hair. It’s white, signifying experience, short, appealing to seniors, and it looks like his own, appealing to youth.

In the best suit department, the winner is Romney. You can always tell a millionaire because his stitches don’t show and his pockets aren’t sewn shut.

In the I’ve-got-a-writer-despite-the-strike department, the winner is Huckabee who got the most laughs. Castro should send him a box of cigars for that.

In the all-important funny business department, the winner is Ron Paul who could keep Saturday Night Live in comedy material forever. He seems to be most knowledgeable about the financial spot America is in and how to get us out of it. He has the most common sense, too, and best of all, he looks like deadpan comic Pat Paulson, who campaigned for the presidency in 1968, 1972, 1980, 1988, 1992 and 1996. When the Smothers Brothers asked him to run, Paulson replied, “Why not? I can’t dance — besides, the job has a good pension plan and I’ll get a lot of money when I retire.”

The debate downside: I don’t think any of them ever heard of the ball point pen since much time was spent screwing and unscrewing fountain pen tops.

One thing to gratefully look forward to tomorrow night when the Democratics debate for California votes is that there are only two candidates left. And I mean left.