Aunt Sam Wants You!

By Maggie Van Ostrand

The woman just can’t win. That statement doesn’t refer to Hillary’s getting or not getting the nomination for president of the U.S., it refers to the if-that-doesn’t-get-them-I’ll-try-this attitude that has kept her in the public eye only a tick less often than Britney Spears.

For voters of the male persuasion, Hillary showed a little cleavage last July which was covered by the Washington Post’s Pulitzer-prize-winning fashion columnist, Robin Givhans: “The neckline sat low on her chest and had a subtle V-shape. The cleavage registered after only a quick glance. No scrunch-faced scrutiny was necessary. There wasn’t an unseemly amount of cleavage showing, but there it was.” Givhans’ observations had a kicker:
“It’s tempting to say that the cleavage stirs the same kind of discomfort that might be churned up after spotting Rudy Giuliani with his shirt unbuttoned just a smidge too far. No one wants to see that. But really, it was more like catching a man with his fly unzipped. Just look away!”

Apparently, others felt like looking away, too, since no cleavage has since been seen waltzing up Senator Clinton’s chest.

When Clinton ran for senator in her non-birthplace State of New York, she took diction lessons to (1) lose the Arkansas twang and (2) gain a modest New York accent. She must have been hoping that if she played her cards right, she’d become the third sitting senator (Warren G. Harding of Ohio in 1920 and J.F.K. of Massachusetts in 1960) to make it to the Oval Office.

Speaking of the Oval Office, when Bill Clinton was president and involved in the scandalous goings-on with Monica Lewinsky, Hillary stood by his side in public and allegedly punched his lights out in private. With an upper lip so stiff she might have rubbed it with Viagra, she grinned and bore it. Not any more. She’s now publicly “confiding” to Tyra Banks’ TV show viewers in a girl-to-girl talk about her “personal anguish” over the Lewinsky affair. She must’ve made the decision to appear on Banks’ show when polls indicated Obama was leading with African American women voters. No one ever accused Hillary Clinton of being unshrewd.

Then she remembered the Power of Tears. Hillary detractors have decried her crying and said she turned on the eye fountain to show women voters, thought to be a little scared of her braininess, that she was just like them. Perhaps Osama bin Laden was supposed to come running out of his stinky cave to comfort her, giving the Marines a chance to snap him off to the seaside resort of Guantanamo for waterboarding lessons, water supplied by Hillary’s tear ducts.

Supporters cry out that her crying was not a ploy, and insist she has a heart. It just wasn’t noticeable before the primaries. One New Hampshire woman, Alison Hamilton, had been considering voting for Barack Obama, until Hillary opened up the dam. After seeing her become emotional, Hamilton said she’d now cast her vote for Hillary. “… that really did clinch it for me. She’s very impressive.” Kind of makes thinking people want to repeal the 19th Amendment, doesn’t it?

All I know is that, no matter who’s elected, let’s hope we never see recruitment posters that say “Aunt Sam Wants You!”