By Maggie Van Ostrand

Do you ever wonder why Congress keeps authorizing so many studies and tests we know nothing about until the results are released? Along with the expensive taxpayer-funded National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism’s Rand Report which found that alcoholics could drink in moderation (someone tell that to Uncle Joey who tried it and now lives on the Bowery), Congress recently authorized yet another dumb study.

According to this congressionally ordained study, students who took part in sexual abstinence programs were just as likely to have sex as those who did not, reported the Associated Press. My mother could’ve told that to Congress and she would’ve done it for nothing.

You may find this hard to believe, but the federal government now spends about $176 million annually on abstinence-until-marriage education. If you ask me, it’d be a better investment to just buy a bunch of lottery tickets.

Harry Wilson, commissioner of the Family and Youth Services Bureau at the Administration for Children and Families (huh? Yet another government branch?) said that the report confirms that these “interventions” are not like vaccines. Mr. Wilson is not to be confused with William Smith, vice president for public policy at the Sexuality Information and Education Council of the United States. And neither Mr. Wilson nor Mr. Smith should be confused with Ms. Valerie Huber, executive director of the National Abstinence Education Association. Not that the government is oversized or anything. Why don’t they just hire a few Desperate Housewives as advisors instead of all these national organizations which huff and puff till our country falls down? And what business is it of congress what our kids do?

We have enough trouble keeping congress out of our pockets; we don’t need them in our thongs.

“America,” Mark Twain once said, “is a nation without a distinct criminal class with the possible exception of Congress.” He was talking about the same Congress which spends so much of our money on studies telling us that drunks can drink and kids shouldn’t have sex. Maybe we’d be better off electing officials who believe drunks can have sex and kids shouldn’t drink.

According to Capitol Hill Blue, “If anything, the Congress of today is even worse than it was in Twain’s time more than a century ago.” Back in 1999, Capitol Hill Blue reported that “The 535 men and women who make up the House and Senate of the United States include, at best, a collection of rogues, con artists, scofflaws and bad check artists. At worst, they comprise, as Twain once observed, a distinct criminal class.”

Capitol Hill Blue proceeded to check public records, newspaper archives, civil court cases, and criminal records of members of Congress from 1992 to 1999.

They ran credit checks on members and applied the financial and criminal record scoring procedures used by the Department of Defense to determine eligibility for a Top Secret security clearance. Everything was done legally through public records.

What emerged from their investigation was a disturbing portrait of a group of elected officials who routinely avoid payment of debts, write bad checks, abuse their spouses, assault people and openly violate the law.

Capitol Hill Blue named Rep. Corrine Brown (D-Fla), whose trail of bad debts, lies to Congress and misstatements to the Internal Revenue Service spawned a number of investigations. She is still in Congress.

Also named was Rep. James Moran (D-Va) whose wife charged him with abuse, and who has assaulted other members of Congress on the floor of the House. He is still in Congress, too.

The list also included Joe Waldholtz, a con man and husband of former Rep. Enid Greene Waldholtz (R-UT) who kited more than a million dollars in bad checks and ended up in prison.

Others, like former Ohio Senator John Glenn, have driven creditors into bankruptcy because of unpaid debts left over from aborted Presidential campaigns. Even millionaire Senator Ted Kennedy has left a trail of unpaid debts from past campaigns. And yet, we’re supposed to address them as “the Honorable” even though members of Congress have gone to jail for child molestation, fraud and other charges?

Even with credit reports so bad they can’t get an American Express card on their own, at least 71 members of Congress get a government-issued Amex card without a credit check.
53 have personal and financial problems so serious they would be denied security clearances by the Department of Defense or the Department of Energy if they had to apply through normal channels but as members of Congress they get such clearances simply because they fooled enough people to get elected.

29 members of current and recent Congresses have been accused of spousal abuse in either criminal or civil proceedings. 27 have driving while intoxicated arrests on their driving records. 21 are defendants in various lawsuits, ranging from bad debts, disputes with business partners or other civil matters. 19 members of current and recent Congresses have been accused of writing bad checks, even after the scandal several years ago, which resulted in closure of the informal House bank that routinely allowed members to overdraw their accounts without penalty. 14 have drug-related arrests in their background, eight were arrested for shoplifting, seven for fraud, four for theft, three for assault and one for criminal trespass.

Last May saw the resignation of Randall L. Tobias, Deputy Secretary of State, who confirmed to ABC that he had patronized prostitutes at the firm, Pamela Martin & Associates. ABC quoted Tobias as saying the service had sent women to his condo to give him massages and that there had been “no sex.”

Tobias, 65 and married, served as administrator of the U.S. Agency For International Development and director of U.S. foreign assistance. A former chief executive of a pharmaceutical company, he previously held a top job in the Bush administration overseeing AIDS relief. In that post, he promoted abstinence.

These are the people who are judging our children.

If we want our kids to abstain from sex, it will take a lot more than a study commissioned by erotic politicians who more often than not have an openmouthed intern waiting under their desk.

It will take the realization that when a guy asks a girl to service his Johnson, he’s not talking about the motor in his speedboat.


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