Why right-wingers can’t get it up

The right-wing’s biggest blowhard, radio talk show demagogue Rush Limbaugh, got a walk this week on charges of carrying Viagra without a prescription. His doctor might face charges for mislabeling the bottle of pills found on Limbaugh when he returned from a vacation trip.

The mouth that roared may be off the hook this time around for abusing prescription meds but at least the whole world now knows that the mouthpiece of the rabid right wing needs drugs to get it up.

I’m not surprised to find out Limbaugh is all show and no go. He probably couldn’t get hard if Jennifer Garner were sitting on his face while Jeri Ryan noshed on his Johnson. Nah, strike that. Garner and Ryan seem like intelligent women who would never crawl into bed with the likes of Rush Limbaugh.

It’s also funny how often the self-righteous right wing gets caught in compromising situations when it comes to sex. Second-string blowhard Bill O’Reilly had to settle out of court with a Fox News producer he harassed and tried to coax into phone sex. Maybe he should borrow some of Rush’s Viagra.

A right-wing friend considers serial plagiarist Ann Coulter “sexy.” He’s also legally blind. Looking at the gaunt, skinny-legged Coulter reminds me of how the late Truman Capote once described pulp author Jacqueline Susann: “She looks like a truck driver in drag.” Or a phrase from comedian George Carlin comes to mind: “I wouldn’t (screw) her with a borrowed dick.” Carlin was talking about the wife of former Vice President Dan Quayle and used a word stronger than “screw” but, hey, I’m feeling mellow this morning. And, unlike Coulter, I cite my sources.

Back in my single, drinking days, I woke up the morning after next to a number of scary looking women. Had I turned over to find Ann Coulter on the next pillow I would have sworn off the bottle much earlier and probably sex as well. After that I would have needed a lot more than Viagra to get it up again.

Let’s face it. Right wingers are, for the most part, boring, unimaginative and unattractive people. No wonder Rush needs little pills to get horny.

Carlin also once asked: “Have you ever noticed that women who are opposed to abortion are ones you wouldn’t want to screw anyway?” Again, mellowness requires that I substitute a five-letter word for a four-letter one.

George W. Bush probably wishes some White House intern would crawl under his desk and give him a blowjob while he chatted on the phone with some head of state or planned the bombing of Iran but he probably can’t find one who’s willing. Maybe George doesn’t believe in oral sex. Given his claims of Christian rebirth, he may only allow the “missionary” position.

Perhaps the right-wing is so hung up on sex because they’re not getting any. Or maybe what they’re getting isn’t all that good. God knows they’re trying to purge all pleasure from sex from our culture. The FBI has a whole unit, created by former attorney general and Bible-thumper John Ashcroft, dedicated to wiping whatever they consider to be pornography off the earth.

The Republican-controlled Congress increased fines four-fold on any television or radio station that broadcasts whatever they deem to be “indecent.” This came, of course, after Janet Jackson’s “wardrobe malfunction” at the Super Bowl revealed a nipple-ring encrusted boob on national TV.

Which makes me wonder: C-Span broadcasts sessions of the House and Senate. Isn’t that pornographic? Watching those boobs in action certainly makes me turn away in revulsion. And they don’t even have nipple rings.

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