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News item: Former aviation and government officials, led by former Arizona Gov. Fife Symington, had a panel discussion at the National Press Club this week to call on the government to reopen investigations of UFOs.
Earthlings, this is not a good development.
Of course, I am not mocking the existence of aliens visiting this planet. After all, I am an alien myself. I have tried to keep this fact under my hat but my pointy ears often peep out from under the brim.
Perhaps this explains why my writings are often greeted with messages from the American sector of the universe saying, “Hey, fellah, what planet did you come from?” and “Where in the galaxy do they think your garbage makes sense?”
To be precise, the answers to these questions are Planet Splog and Galaxy Blurp. Not to boast, but the beings on Splog just love my sense of humor. Their antennas quiver with joy every time I write a witticism.
Here on Earth, I have become resigned to the fact that my jokes don’t travel well over 6 billion light-years. Darn! as you American earthlings say. Some of you, of course, are earthier in your quaint expressions.
Still, I am here to share valuable insights about us in the alien community. I believe so many hurtful myths and stereotypes can be overcome with meaningful dialogue.
For starters, we are not little green men and little green women (except, of course, on St. Patrick’s Day, which is big on Splog because our version of the saint rid the planet of belly crawlers, which were the curse of our interplanetary corporate life).
We are also not so little. After a couple of centuries eating your doughnut units and Twinkie units, we have expanded beyond our usual orbits, just like you have in your trouser suits. I must say that your digestible fuels are out of this world (thank you in advance, readers from Splog, for appreciating this observation).
Another cruel rumor that I wish to address is the notion that we capture selected Earth people and perform hideous experiments upon them. I think the words “capture” and “hideous” to be unhelpful in this context and not conducive to good celestial relations.
While it is true that sometimes our spaceships will hover over a remote farmhouse in the Midwest sector and beam up the inhabitants for medical inspections and procedures, we believe this to be in their best interests as we observe that many on your planet do not have health insurance.
Lately, however, we have been disheartened to find that many subjects are a little too enthusiastic about the beaming-up process. “Probe us! Probe us!” they shout as they rip off their clothing even before our trained technicians can touch them with their tentacles. This is not healthy behavior and our scientists sometimes refuse to go on with our attempts to give the subjects a new brain, which is our gift to earthlings in your so-called red states.
The one thing that is true about us aliens is that we have superior intelligence. That is why we are liberals. Peace and harmony reign on our planets and every being is supportive, holistic, kindly and inclusive. There is no death penalty — except, of course, for smoking.
You have nothing to fear if one of our space vehicles should arrive in your quadrant in a flash of light. We come in peace and we will not immediately raise your taxes. It is worth noting that we will never say: “Take us to your leader.”
We have seen your leaders. Jeez, the belly crawlers on Splog were more appealing. For example, your corporeal eminence known as Ted Kennedy bears a striking physical resemblance to Jabba the Hutt, who was a respected character in our galaxy until his ship hurtled off the time-space continuum bridge. Also, your Ultimate Leader, although he has pointy ears, is one or two antenna short of a brain sensory package.
That is why it is a mistake for you earthlings to trust your government with further investigations of UFOs. After all, you now believe nothing it says about its earthly business.
We do not mean to scare former governors of Arizona or anybody else. I admit that sometimes our teen-agers take their father’s spaceships, resulting in some scares and close calls (we almost beamed up that Dennis Kucinich once).
What else do you need to know before I put my pointy ears back under my hat?
(Reg Henry is a columnist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. E-mail rhenry(at)post-gazette.com)