Should Pastor Agnostic run for Mayor of Chicago? 1821

I wake up some mornings hating me too.
Rahm Emanuel

I assume that (prosecutors) have no evidence or they should have brought a charge … If I’m a conspirator – bring it on.
Jesse Jackson, Jr

COINCIDENCE? I think NOT!

From the Church of Ineffable Stupidity:

A CONFESSION:
I live a tad south of Chicago, so the chances of my running for mayor are about as good as Hilary Clinton moving to New York and running for the senate. Perhaps worse.

We have a spectator sport, involving heavy contact, an all harm, all foul pastime in Chicago that others folks call politics.  While some people count their pols’ accomplishments, we often count the number of indictments.
Here is the current list of offenders seeking Chicago’s throne.

Jesse Jackson, Jr.
Given the flurry of stories about Jackson, who in his own mind is the front-runner for the mayoral campaign, it is hard to tell whether Jackson’s most recent apology is for his longstanding affair with a “sexy social director,” the campaign funds that may have been misused to transport his love conquest, his imbroglio with ex-Governor Blogo, the pesky rumors about an alleged bribe offer of $6,000,000 for the senatorial appointment,  or other problems, almost all self-created.

While Jackson’s congressional seat still seems safe, he is not very popular outside of it, and frankly, many Chicagoans simply don’t trust him. His chances at winning? Poor.

Rahm Emanual
What more can be said that hasn’t been said already? Mr. “Fuck you very much” got where he is in life by being rude, crude, aggressive, mean, nasty, and uncomfortable if he ever has to stand still, or hold his tongue. That said, he has gotten where he is in life by being rude, crude, aggressive. . . .  etc. He’s offended his own district (he was a Chicago congresscritter before moving to Obama’s White House) repeatedly. He’s offended the strong jewish population  here. He’s offended liberals. He’s offended people of color. He’s offended  . . .  you get the idea.
Despite strong name recognition, I suspect the only place in which he is the leading contender is in his own mind.
His chances at winning? Poor.

Reverend Meeks
Mr. Traffic Stop was infamous a while back, claiming that he was stopped “Driving Under the Influence of Black Skin.” The officer was white, Rev. Meeks, a current state senator and leader of a Chicago church, is black.
Despite a concerted effort to make this story into a real story, most Chicagoans blamed Meeks and the cop equally. Are there more traffic stops of blacks? Probably. Is there more black on black violence in Chicago? You bet, especially when you factor in three competing mexican drug lords currently battling for control of Chicago’s thriving coke, smack and pot trade. Did Meeks act improperly, and subsequently act like a media whore? There is no doubt of that.
His chances at winning? Poor

Carol Mosley Braun
From becoming an accidental senator, to fudging her mom’s taxes, Ms. Braun earned the moniker, “Carol’s Mostly Wrong,”  the old fashioned way. She earned it.
She became such an embarrassment to the State of Illinois, (Roland Himself Burris obviously looked to her as a role model) that the CLinton Administration appointed her Ambassador to New Zealand, about as far away from DC and Chicago as is possible on this green earth.  She proceeded to embarrass herself there, too, with a NZ paper once calling her Madam Embarrasser  Braun.

She is not a detail person, she has had questionable ethical issues dog her repeatedly, and like Rahm, the only place where she remains totally popular, is in her own mind. Her chances of winning? Poor.

– – – –

One problem that Richie Daley has created is not that so many top aides being indicted and convicted. (Google “John “Quarters” Boyle”, or “Hired Truck Scandal” for just two juicy examples) The real problem is that he was such a powerful mayor, such a strong administrator, that no one ever dared stand up to him, or tried to develop their own base of support. After a quarter century of strong leadership (not always successful, but for the most part, fair to good for the city), there simply are no people ready to take over. Daley probably knows this, which is why he refuses all requests to anoint and announce  a successor.

Given all of the above, allow me to clue you in about the secret of my future success. Right here and now, I predict, should I get support and financing, that I will win the mayorship of Chicago.
How?

Easy: First, I will have to legally change my name to “None of the Above.” It is not a very popular name, and no one else has that name in Chicago’s white pages. I suspect that it will catch on rapidly.

Next, I need 15,000 signatures before the end of October. 20,000 would be better. For those willing to donate their time to my brave, worthy cause, here is a list of Chicago cemetaries, ripe picking for voter signatures:

Bohemian National Cemetery
5255 North Pulaski Road
Chicago, IL, 60630

St. Boniface Cemetery (1869) –
4901 N. Clark St.
Chicago, IL 60640-3514

Calvary Cemetery (1859)
301 Chicago Avenue
Evanston, IL 60202-3050

Mt. Carmel Cemetery (1901)
Harrison & Hillside Aves.
Hillside, IL 60162-2197

St. Casimir Cemetery (1903)
4402 W. 111th St.
Chicago, IL 60655-4398

There are more than enough registered voters there to get us over the top. Thanks in advance!

Please note that I have not listed the Burr Oaks cemetery. Too many corpses are still missing. (The previous owners dug up old bodies in order to resell the plots) Hundreds of bodies and body parts were found in a pile behind a shed. We can presume that they don’t vote.

Next, I will need signs and advertising. I think homemade signs, so long as they do not mimic Tea Bagger conventions, work best. Please send me your ideas for images and language. Be creative.

Lastly, campaign financing is always a plus. Jesse should not be the only $6,000,000 man in Chicago. But, for the next month only, I am willing to compromise, and do this for a mere 1 Mill. Every donor will have guaranteed access to city government, just like we’ve had in the past. My motto? Business as usual. My platform? Change for change’s sake is good! My policies? You betcha.

So, please sign up for my campaign, and follow my campaign’s progress here.

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6 Responses to "Should Pastor Agnostic run for Mayor of Chicago? 1821"

  1. Carl Nemo  September 27, 2010 at 4:03 pm

    Rob, it seems you are channeling Mike Royko with the style of writing along with your description of the ‘candidates in waiting’ in this article.

    Good luck on your candidacy. : ))

    Carl Nemo **==

  2. Bill  September 29, 2010 at 3:50 am

    Hey! I’m from Chicago. You forgot to say how much you’re paying for votes, and if you scale–ya know, pay more for the second vote, even more for the third, etc.. After Richie’s Dad died, I collected $775 for my five votes. The fifth paid $500 because of the risk of being recognized, but I wore a disguise and nobody knew me.
    Deres inflation to kope with too, and what kind of job can you hook me up with after we elect you.
    Are you a Polak? We should have one Polak running just for balance, but if you’re a Mick, even better. We like Micks in Chicago. You don’t sound like a spic, a kike, or a nigger, and deres 3 nigs allready runnin, so we don’t need more. Besides, they really destroy the city–look at the guy from Gary, and Washington–harold and the city. We don’t need another nigger, after all, it took Daley to rescue Chicago and there ain’t no more Daleys for a while.

  3. Carl Nemo  September 29, 2010 at 11:35 pm

    I’m from Cleveland OH Bill and I understand your angst concerning the state of affairs, along with your ethnic based imagery, but you need to give our site host a break. It is humorous, but…?

    I have no problem with what you’ve written, but in our “politically correct, transgendered times” I it seems you’ve gone over the top. / : |

    Good thoughts, good buddy, but I suspect you are making our generous host; Doug Thompson and Rob, squirm, then a gain maybe not…? : )

    Carl Nemo **==

  4. DejaVuAllOver  October 7, 2010 at 1:44 am

    So Rob, it seems that you have stitched together a fairly seamless argument that all relevant Chicago politicians are, in fact, douchebags. Well done. This is your latest masterpiece , Especially the Rahm Cornhole Emanuel part. Let’s hope we can keep focused for two more weeks and send these carcinogenic ratbags back to Hell, from whence they came..

  5. neondog  October 7, 2010 at 9:38 pm

    Almost didn’t yawn..almost.

  6. Pope Atheo I (aka Warren)  October 9, 2010 at 8:22 pm

    Indeed, I grew up in Chicagoland during the reign of Daley I.

    How good Pastor Agnostic is relative to the other douche-bags is irrelevant. If he is to be elected he will need to delightedly bend over for the unions. All of ‘em. And enjoy it. And be able to articulate what a wonderful thing it is. And how it is best for Chicagoans.

Comments are closed.