Headlines we’d love to see

Let’s face it. The news biz just ain’t what it used to be.
But Bill Powers, an old friend who writes for The National Journal, offers some headlines he’s like to see from the media:

1. New York Times, Washington Post, Los Angeles Times to Dramatically Expand Newsroom Staffs.

Three of America’s largest metropolitan dailies today announced they will hire dozens of new reporters and editors, reversing several years of personnel cutbacks and buyouts. “News doesn’t just drop out of thin air,” New York Times spokeswoman Jane Wisdom explained. “It comes from living, breathing people. We’re going to find some of those people and hire them.”

2. Fox to Choose Female Anchors for Brains, Not Looks.

Fox News, America’s first choice in news, will begin hiring female anchors based entirely on intelligence. Beginning this week, the network will be on the lookout for smart, news-savvy women with extensive journalistic experience. “Given the intense competition for cable audiences, we wanted something special to draw viewers, something they can’t get elsewhere,” Fox News Vice President David Pixelbot said. “Since many Fox viewers have better-than-average IQs, it hit us that ‘showing a little brain’ could be just as compelling as ‘showing a little leg.’ Also, we studied headshots of Edward R. Murrow and concluded that he was not exactly eye candy.”

3. Miami Herald to Publish Interesting Editorials.

Florida’s most influential newspaper, The Miami Herald, said it will begin running editorials that are well written and engaging. Effective immediately, at least two of the editorials published each week will be argued in a fresh, stimulating way that keeps the reader awake and thinking. In addition, one editorial per month will be fascinating. “It’s something we’ve been eager to try,” Herald spokeswoman Gabriela Blanco said, “and this just felt like the right moment. Why not be interesting every now and then? We see no downside and many potential upsides for our readers.”

4. Blog to Offer Facts, Polished Writing.

ExoticArnold.com, one of the nation’s top political blogs, will begin offering original factual reports gathered by the blogger himself, Arnold S. Bixby, in regular forays from his apartment in the Dupont Circle section of Washington. In addition, all posts on ExoticArnold.com will now be edited for cogency, style, and rhetorical rigor by an editor with more than two years’ professional experience.

Ah, yes, we can dream.

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