Huge Scientific Discovery Made!

“I’m thinking about killing Michael Moore, and I’m wondering if I could kill him myself, or if I would need to hire somebody to do it. … No, I think I could.”
— Glenn Beck

”I am not a polarizing guy.”
— Glenn Beck

FROM THE CHURCH OF INEFFABLE STUPIDITY:

A recent scientific study, conducted by Doctor (Emeritus) Pei A. Tenshun, has some surprising implications for the treatment of brain injuries and mental illness. Dr. Pei, the Chair of the Girolamo Savonarola School of Psychology, East Chicago University, followed up on published studies which proved that with a proper application of a electro-magnetic field to the Right Parietal portion of the brain, a person’s internal “morality” mechanism could be turned off indefinitely.

Dr. Pei hypothosized that other locations of the brain could also be sensitized, turned on or off, depending on the stimuli provided to the subject.

Dr. Pei, and co-author Professor Gill T. Frei, gathered 1,000 volunteers who agreed to undergo this three week project. The volunteers were compensated for room and board while they underwent this experiment, and received a stipend of $25 per diem.  In order to receive the stipend, each volunteer agreed to undergo at least two psychological and IQ profiles, and agreed to do their best on each exam. The tests included the standard array of tests, including the MMPI, Stanford Binet IQ, the Pigham Personality Profile, and other tests to insure honest answers.

Pre-experiment testing found a standard distribution of IQ, ranging from 88 (the bank executive) and 139 (non-union janitor), with a median of 105. This result was well within the norms predicted by historical testing. Even after taking into account the subjects’ education, race, age, sex and financial backgrounds, the results remained accurate, as predicted. In laymen’s terms, these 1,000 participants were extremely representative of the American population at large.

The subjects were then placed in a controlled atmosphere for 5 straight days. Their choice of meals were based on their pre-experiment reports. Alcohol, marijuana, and other intoxicant consumption was permitted, again matching the subjects’ self-descriptions.  Every effort was made to allow the subjects to spend these five days in as normal and routine atmosphere as possible, except for their not attending work.

Beginning on Day 1, The subjects were then given access to a TV and radio. Those who chose TV were limited to watching Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, and video of Rush Limbaugh. Programming was limited to only 4 hours in the morning, and 6 hours at night. Those who chose radio could only receive Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck. Again, the subjects were provided with a choice of viewing, but the programming was essentially the same for all.

After Day 5, Dr. Pei and Prof. Frei agreed to end the experiment early. Video surveillance of the subjects showed riskier behavior, and increased demands for alcohol and drugs.

On Day 6, the subjects were retested, using the same psychological and intelligence tests provided to the subjects before the experiment.

The results were stunning. In every case, the subject underwent a major decrease in psychological health, and a stunning decrease of IQ points. Propensity for violence, spouting inanities, or quoting Sarah Palin became acceptable behavior. The average IQ loss was 12 points, with the extremes ranging from a loss of 9 points, to a high of 34.

Dr. Pei then began Stage II of the experiment. One third (*) of the original subjects were selected at random for further testing and experimentation. For these subjects, both the TV and radio were removed, and replaced by newspapers, books, and news and science magazines. After two days under these conditions, half of these subjects  were tested and released, and after one week, the remaining subjects were tested and released.

The studied confirmed the worst fears of Dr. Pei. Two days of reading books, newspapers, and magazines had no positive impact on either the subjects’ IQ or personality profile. Prof. Frei believed that the subjects were still suffering from a form of PTSD, after so much concentrated exposure to Beck and Limbaugh. This PTSD, he theorized, prevented the subjects’ brains from accepting real information for mental processing.

The last group, released after a week’s exposure to books and magazines, showed a slight amount of positive change. While they did not come close to returning to their pre-experiment levels of mental functioning, there were indications that immediate intervention, followed by intense psychotherapy and  the possible use of psychotropic medications, that the subjects could return to rational behavior within 3-4 months.

Positron scans of the brains confirmed that just like in the “Morality” electro-magnetic experiments, certain parts of the subjects’ brains appeared to be not functioning, or “turned off.” Most of the impact was seen on the frontal lobes. Dr. Pei believes that large doses of Glenn Beck, in particular,  act like a video lobotomy, causing serious, but hopefully temporary, brain damage to any viewer.

(*) The test subjects NOT randomly selected for the Stage II testing, were contacted by Dr. Pei’s staffers and were strongly suggested to seek mental health care in the immediate future. Approximately 82% of the subjects followed that advice, but unfortunately, 18% refused all treatment and joined their local Tea Bagger movement. Dr. Pei sincerely apologizes for this unforeseen development.

10 Responses to "Huge Scientific Discovery Made!"

  1. Guardhouse lawyer  April 1, 2010 at 7:54 am

    Nice try, Rob.

    I got a phone call from my brother yesterday. He had one of those enhancement operations, and he told the doctor that when he woke up he wanted to look down and see a great big dick. Sure enough, when he woke up he looked down and there was a tattoo of Glenn Beck on his abdomen.

    • Rob Kezelis  April 1, 2010 at 8:04 am

      That made my day. Thanks.

    • Bill Cravener  April 1, 2010 at 8:41 am

      Guardhouse lawyer, thats the best laugh I’ve had in a long time. :lol:

    • biznesssavvy  April 2, 2010 at 10:22 pm

      ty so much you made my day guardhouse lawyer

  2. Carl Nemo  April 1, 2010 at 10:24 am

    Thanks Rob for the April 1 humor. Ironically your ‘study’ might be closer to the truth than you or anyone else could possibly realize… / : |

    Also thanks goes to Guardhouse lawyer for the great joke. : )

    Carl Nemo **==

    • Guardhouse lawyer  April 2, 2010 at 6:51 pm

      Joke?

      • Rob Kezelis  April 2, 2010 at 7:34 pm

        Please, WARN US before stuff like that. I came close to spitting out a really elderly single malt.

        • Guardhouse lawyer  April 3, 2010 at 7:52 am

          Choke?

  3. Big Hoss Lawyer  April 4, 2010 at 1:59 pm

    Long live Glenn Beck! Down with Obama!

  4. griff  April 4, 2010 at 5:07 pm

    The same reason I smoke a fat joint before I read one of your pieces, Rob.

Comments are closed.