Saving Katie Couric’s butt

Poor Katie Couric. They princess of perk has turned into the dour diva of the evening news. Her CBS Evening News ratings have fallen below even those of Dan Rather and the buzz in TV newsland is that she will be gone after the 2008 elections.

Nothing, it seems, has worked for Katie. A new producer, brought in to revamp the newscast and make it more "serious" and "relevant," hasn't saved the day and while CBS executives express public support for Couric they admit privately that she and her $15 million a year annual salary were big, expensive mistakes.

However, we have some suggested remedies for Katie that should save her show. We arrived at these recommendations after watching other news programs, especially the cable TV news shows, to see what works.

To better understand what passes as news, we offer this video presentation from our friends at JibJab:

OK. Now we know what is "really the news." So let's see what we can do to help Katie sell the news on CBS:

  • Get a boob job. Let’s face it Katie. Those 50-year-old hooters are starting to sag. Pump them up with silicone and wear some low-cut blouses.
  • Show more leg. It worked for years on the Today Show. This is entertainment Katie baby so put the gams on display.
  • Hit a couple of high-profile night spots wearing a short skirt and no panties. Remember to shave.
  • Call your interview subjects “idiots.” It works for Bill O’Reilly.
  • Launch a “worst person in the world” segment and make sure that you alternate between Brian Williams and Charles Gibson. God knows Keith Olbermann has milked the Bill O’Reilly factor to death with the stunt.
  • Cry a lot on the air. Surely you can be more sympathetic than Anderson Cooper.
  • Marry Kevin Federline. Having K-Fed as an embarrassing husband ensures constant exposure on the syndicated tabloid news shows and regular features in People or US Weekly.
  • Check yourself into rehab. That’s worth a ratings bump or two. Don’t shave your head, though. That’s going too far.
  • Make a porn video that gets released on the Internet. Maybe something with you and Matt Lauer?
  • Get drunk and leave nasty messages on other people’s answering machines. You’ll be page one news for at least a week.
  • Confess to a lesbian affair with Ellen Degeneres. The last time we checked, her show’s ratings were higher than yours.
  • Claim you gave George W. Bush a blow job in the Oval Office. No, scratch that. Done before by an ambitious young woman to a previous President.
  • If all else fails Katie, just leave. Disappear. Missing white women always make news.