The Day Hell Froze Over

Did I miss the cataclysmic event that rocked the heavens?

Did Christ reappear and walk on water? Did hell freeze over? Or maybe aliens landed on the mall in Washington?

Something must have happened to shift the earth out of his orbit because George W. Bush accepted blame for something.

That’s right. President Bush, America’s weapon of mass deflection, the man who never, ever admits wrong, went in front of the cameras and said the government’s slow response to the dead and dying from Hurricane Katrina was his responsibility.

Surely the moon has fallen out of orbit and will crash into the earth. Tsunamis will rise and drown the East Coast and West Coast earthquakes will turn Arizona into beachfront property. Jesus himself will appear on Larry King Live and proclaim Dubya is, and always has been, his boy.

Something must have happened to change the world overnight. Bush doesn’t admit mistakes because, obviously, he never makes them. Just ask the babbling minions who follow his every word and sing praises about his non-existent accomplishments.

Excuse me while I sit down. This is too much to take at once. If Bush can admit a mistake then God knows what else may happen in this screwy world.

Oil companies may admit to price gouging and drop the price of a gallon of regular to 50 cents (well, 49.9).

O.J. Simpson will admit he offed his wife and offer to shoot himself on national television (pay per view of course).

Democrats and Republicans will recognize that America – not party – comes first.

Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson will admit they really are in their religion gigs for the money and that shacking up with groupies ain’t that bad either.

Bill Clinton will admit boffing Monica Lewinsky because it was better sex than he ever got from Hillary.

Tom DeLay will find God, quit Congress and devote his life to creating a 12-step program for crooked politicians.

Fox News will cease broadcasting and pay a fine for masquerading as journalism.

Rush Limbaugh will develop permanent laryngitis and retire from broadcasting.

Al Franken will go back to being just a bad standup comic.

Bill O’Reilly will admit to being a phone sex freak and check himself into rehab – permanently.

NBC and CBS will jointly announce a moratorium on spinoffs of either Law & Order or CSI.

Karl Rove will admit he outed covert CIA operative Valerie Plame, resign from his job as President Bush’s political advisor and swear to never advise another politician again.

And George W. Bush will admit he admitted a mistake because Karl Rove told him it was the only chance he had left to reverse his plummeting job approval ratings.

OK, so maybe I’m hallucinating. But if George W. Bush can admit a mistake anything can happen in this world.