Coming Clean on the Liberal Agenda

At last week’s meeting of the Organization For A Liberal Agenda (OLA), our precinct captain reminded all of us that, should we have problems getting through on the 800 number to get the Liberal Cause of the Day (LCD), it is always safe to fall back on the same-sex marriage, pro-choice message.

“It pushes all the right buttons,” she said, standing in front of the huge Molly Ivins and Bill Moyers posters that dominate the front wall of the OLA clubhouse. “It gets Rush all worked up and leaves the president’s press secretary looking as if he just had dental surgery.”

In the background, a vinyl recording of Buffalo Springfield’s “For What It’s Worth” played on the turntable. We always play vinyl at OLA meetings because of the hard-core liberal belief that the old is always better than the new. We believe that the world has been on the slide for at least 40 years and we are the caretakers of the last, dusty truths.

That’s why we’re a pen-and-notebook crowd, with the ink stains and ripped pockets to prove it.

Bringing a cell phone or a laptop to one of our meetings is like bringing a six-pack of designer water to slide in among the long-neck bottles of Rolling Rock in the small fridge at the back of the room.

I’ve been hearing a lot about the liberal agenda in the press the last few days, ever since the Newsweek fiasco sent conservatives ’round the media-bashing bend. There is no agenda, of course. It’s one of those artful creations for people who want to believe what they want to believe. The same reporter who wrote the explosive story on Koran desecration in Newsweek also uncovered the seedy tale of Bill Clinton and Monica Lewinsky.

But so many people are telling me there is a liberal agenda that I thought it was best to come clean, to put out the things that move those of us on the left side, which, for us, is the right side.

The Organization For A Liberal Agenda is just my silly way of making the point.

This week, of course, we’re pretty darned excited about Bruce Springsteen, whom we’ve come to call, affectionately, the Troubadour of Truth.

Springsteen was in Boston last week, along with John Kerry. Bruce dedicated a song to Kerry and even told a campaign joke. And we like that a lot because it confirms the deep-down belief that we can tell jokes and have a good laugh and the other side is just a little too, uh, tightly wrapped to do the same.

Besides, Bruce is so damn cool and hip and knowing. Who the heck has the other side got? Toby Keith?

I guess you’d have to say we’re all feeling a little feisty these days. After all, combine Springsteen with that member of the British Parliament who recently roasted a few U.S. senators over the “pack of lies” that led to the war in Iraq and you’ve got one hell of a liberal daily double.

The truth is, we’re feeling so good that we’re thinking about paying a visit to the other side. I’m not sure what they call themselves, but it’s probably something with close-to-heaven implications.

We’re thinking the best time to visit would probably be when Fox News is pounding the war drums and all the non-combatant conservatives are getting a little glassy-eyed over all the explosions on TV.

We’re planning to take a six-pack of Rolling Rock with us and offer to trade it for a bottle of chardonnay.

Our big concern is that these people from the right side won’t think it’s funny and ask us to leave.

They can be that way. They really need to loosen up.

(Bob Kerr can be reached by e-mail at bkerr(at)