Republicans Don’t Read ‘The Joy of Sex’

There’s an old saying that Republican men always marry Republican women but they date Democratic girls first to have a little fun.

Republicans get uptight about sex. Hell, Republicans get uptight about most things but sex puts the fear of God into them.

Seems some of the self-righteous didn’t much care for plans to have jiggle queen Britney Spears parade on stage for George W. Bush at this week’s Republican National Convention so they pressured the Prez to just say no.

“We are a serious political party and really don’t need the likes of Britney to promote us,” a Bush spokesman told World Entertainment News. “Besides which, with the headlines she’s been recently attracting we think she’d do more harm than good to the Bush cause.”

Britney, you see, slipped Madonna some tongue during a kiss on stage and the only thing most Republicans know how to use their tongues for is to whine and moan about how mean everybody is being to their President (except for a cute red-headed GOP campaign worker I met in Illinois 30 years ago but that’s another story).

Then the Republican National Committee got pissed at the New York’s convention bureau for having the audacity to offer convention delegates discount tickets to a Pulitzer Prize-winning play about homosexuality. The offer was withdrawn after the RNC bitched.
The half-million protestors who clogged New York streets this week know how uptight the GOP gets about sex so some stripped for their cause, parading naked in front of everyone. This, of course, prompted screams of protest from right-wing reactionaries like GOPUSA’s Debbie Daniel who wrote “well, the one thing that makes me proud to be a conservative is that we don’t have to march up and down the streets screaming obscenities, taking off our clothes, physically assaulting people, or barricading hotel entrances to make our voices heard.”

Thank God. Republicans should never get naked.

But wait. Maybe there’s more to Debbie than meets the eye. It seems Rudy Giuliani gets her all hot and bothered.

“I don’t know when I’ve been so exhilarated,” she wrote of Giuliani’s convention speech Tuesday night. “I needed to sit down and be quiet for at least five minutes just to catch my breath.”

“If Rudy Giuliani didn’t get the blood rushing through your veins . . . you better check into the local morgue,” she wrote. “As I sat and watched the Republican National Convention, I was rocking so fast in my chair, I didn’t think I could get the rocker to stop when the speech ended. I was like a race horse needing one more lap around the track to slow my heart rate down, or I would surely die.”

Calm down Debbie. Republican women aren’t even supposed to have orgasms in bed (it might mean they’re enjoying it) much less while watching ex-mayors speak. Maybe Rudy can do for frigid women what Bob Dole and Viagra did for men who couldn’t get it up.

However, while Debbie gets off watching Rudy wax eloquent, another GOP hottie proved this week that not all Republicans are prudes.

Former GOP Staffer Jessica Cutler<br>(Photo Courtesy of

Former GOP Staffer Jessica Cutler
(Photo Courtesy of

Former Mike DeWine staffer Jessica Cutler appeared naked as the day she was born on’s Cyber Club website on Tuesday. And we do mean naked – shaved pubes and all.

Cutler was a staff assistant for Republican Senator Mike DeWine by day and Washington party girl by night. She recounted her numerous bedtime adventures in a short-lived weblog but lost her job and the blog when another blogger outed her.

But don’t cry for Jessica. She got a six-figure book deal out of the affair and got to display her charms for anybody willing to shell out 94 bucks a year to join Playboy’s online club.

“I’m registered as a Republican,” Ms. Cutler says. “That doesn’t mean much, though. I’m from New York. New York’s different. I’m more the Giuliani/Pataki style Republican, which basically means you’re against crime. I’m not, you know, ‘conservative’.”

One look at the photos provided by Playboy and we know Jessica ain’t conservative. Jessica didn’t say if watching Rudy speak got her motor running like it does for Debbie Daniel but she does claim to have bedded a married official from the Bush White House.

On second thought, maybe when it comes to sex, Republicans are like cats.

You figure they have to raise hell.

But you just can’t catch ‘em at it.