The phone company you can’t reach by phone

Unfortunately, one of the homes that my wife and I own falls within the clutches of Verizon. Thank God it is only one.


Recently, we noticed our caller ID wasn’t working. So I tried calling Verizon’s customer service number. I got a recording telling me that “no one is available to answer your call right now” and suggesting I try back later.


So I tried later. Same thing. I tried again. No go. For a solid month, I tried to reach the phone company by phone. But no one was available to answer the phone.


Finally, I called the main Verizon number and got an operator.


“How may I direct your call sir?”


“I need to speak to a supervisor.”


“What is the problem?”


“I can’t reach customer service. There’s never anyone available to answer the phone.”


“I’m sorry sir but that has been a problem. Did you try calling them at another time.”


“I’ve tried them at various times for the past month. I always get a recording saying there’s no one available to answer the call.”


“And you’d like to speak to a supervisor?”




“One moment please.”


So she connected me to the customer service department where I got the same recording that “no one was available to answer your call” and telling me to call back.


So I called the Verizon operator back, explained my situation, and asked if there was a way to be connected directly to a supervisor.


“Sir, all I can do is connect you to the customer service department. They can help you.”


“But you can’t connect me to the customer service department because there’s no one available to answer the phone. It’s been that way for a month now.”


“Actually, sir, it has been that way for the past six months.”


“Six months? But you’re the phone company. How can you be a phone company that is unreachable by phone?”


“I’m very sorry sir.”


“Is there a local office where I can go and speak to someone?”


“No sir, I’m sorry, we no longer have offices. We ask that customers contact us by phone.”


“Why? There’s no one available to answer the phone.”


“I understand your frustration but we’ve been very busy here.”


“Too busy to take care of customers? Let me see if I have this straight. You’re the phone company but I can’t contact you by phone because you don’t have anyone available to answer the phone?”


“Not at this time sir.”


“Suppose I wanted to cancel my phone service. Who would I call?”


“Customer service.”


“But I can’t call customer service. There’s no one available to answer the phone.”


“That’s correct sir.”


“So I couldn’t even cancel the phone service if I wanted because I can’t get through to the phone company by phone to cancel. Can I leave a voice mail message?”


“No sir, we’re not equipped to take voice mails. I suggest you keep trying. You also might want to try the web site.”


“I will.”


I hung up and went to the web site, logged on under my customer ID and tried to fill out a repair form. The page hung. I tried again. It came back with a “server is busy” error and suggested I try again later.


No way. I’m heading out on the road in search of a Verizon service truck. When I find it, I’m going to hijack it and force the driver to take me to someone human that I can talk to about my phone service.


Of course, if I do that, I’ll probably end up in jail where they will allow me one phone call.


With my luck, it will be a Verizon phone and the call won’t go through.