A SOMEWHAT REVISED VERSION OF PRESIDENT GEORGE W. BUSH’S FOUR MINUTE SPEECH:
MARCH 23, THE YEAR OF OUR LORD, 2007 – Today I’m joined here at the White House by veterans, family members of people serving in combat, family members of those who have sacrificed. I am honored that they have joined me here today to stand behind me and my balls as a living backdrop which, I assure you is not political theater despite the fact that over my right should is an attractive young soldier in a dashing black military beret that is so thrilled to be here with me and my balls she can’t stop smiling.
I have no idea who the geezer behind me on the left in the red veterans of bygone wars hat is. He is resisting distracting from the gravitas of my speech like Suzy Soldier by grinning and getting all wet, like, you know where; but I assure you that my oozing pheromones are getting him kind of hard.
Here in Washington, members of both parties recognize that our most solemn responsibility is to support our troops in the war on evil bloodthirsty rape your children terror, but of course we all know that the Democrats who voted to strip our troops from their body armor and kevlar jockstraps and send them into combat half naked are a bunch of lilly livered traitors.
Yet, today, a narrow majority in the House of Representatives claiming to represent 70% of the population – ilke who would believe that – abdicated its responsibility by passing a war spending bill that has no chance of becoming law, and brings us no closer to getting our troops the resources they need to do their job making the ridiculous claim that, like, they might have a role in governing my, uh, our country.
The purpose of the emergency war spending bill I requested was to provide our troops with vital funding. Instead, Democrats in the House, in an act of the kind political theater which they have elevated to an art form and which I would never engage in myself, voted to substitute their judgment for that of our military commanders on the ground in Iraq. They set rigid restrictions that will require an army of lawyers to interpret, lawyers I might add that are far too busy now working for Fred Fielding trying to protect Karl Rove, Dick Cheney, Harriet Miers and my own asses.
They set an arbitrary date for withdrawal without regard for conditions on the ground which they will refuse to revise because as we know Democrats, unlike Republicans, refuse to admit they are ever wrong.
And they tacked on billions for pet projects, something Republicans never do. These have nothing to do with winning the war on terror. Anyone with half a brain, something I know all about, can tell you that stopping a bunch of religious fanatics from killing each other is fighting them there so they don’t book flights on Travelocity and Expedia to DesMoines where they will start blowing up malls and multiplex theaters.
This bill has too much pork, and being kosher, Republicans never deal with pork, and too many conditions and an artificial timetable for withdrawal.
As I have made clear for weeks, I will veto it if it comes to my desk. I am looking forward to trying out the veto pen. I hope I can find it since with my rubber stamp Congress I never had any use for it. And because the vote in the House was so close, it is clear that my veto would be sustained by the true patriots in Congress.
Today’s action in the House does only one thing, it’s cut and run, not as yellow-stripe Democrats assert, demonstrating that the Congress is exercising its responsibility to speak for the people who elected them. Is that a joke or what?
No, do not believe this distraction. All these traitors want to to is delay the delivering of vital resources for our troops. A narrow majority has decided to take this course, just as General Petraeus and his troops are carrying out a new strategy to help the Iraqis secure their capital city and bring peace and democracy by killing every Osama loving America and Jesus hating towel-head.
Amid the real challenges in Iraq, we’re beginning to see some signs of progress. For example just a few weeks ago Vice President Cheney didn”t get blown up in a bomb attack there, and Thursday U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon was merely shaken up in a rocket attack while answering question in a Bagdad news conference. If that isn’t progress, what is?
Yet, to score political points, the Democratic ma-ma-ma-majority in the House has shown it is willing to undermine the gains our troops are making on the ground.
Democrats want to make clear that they oppose the war in Iraq. They have made their point, now they should just shut up and go away because I am the decider. But nooooo, for some, that is not enough.
These Democrats believe that the longer they can delay funding for our troops, the more likely they are to force me to accept restrictions on our commanders, an artificial timetable probably involving cloning for withdrawal, and their pet spending projects for nasty things like fighting wild fires, like helping farmers store peanuts. Carter, that ball-less wimp who couldn’t rescue the Iran hostages grew peanuts.
I will not stand for this. Do they think I have no balls? Have they learned nothing in six years.
I am the ball-man. I am the ball-man!
I will not castrate myself. This is not going to happen.
Our men and women in uniform need these balls.
The Secretary of Defense, who is on my shitlist for wanting to close the U.S. one star hotel for terrorists in Guantanamo, has warned that if Congress does not approve the emergency funding for our troops by April the 15th, our men and women in uniform will face significant disruptions, and so would the families who assure me they are so happy their loved ones serving me so loyally are happy to die for my balls.
The Democrats have sent their message, now they should just get over it and send me their money. This is an important moment for my balls — it is a decision for the new Democrat leaders in Congress to discover what their Republican colleagues learned, that is how wonderful licking them can be . Our men in women in uniform should not have to worry that politicians in Washington will deny them the funds and the flexibility they need to win.
Congress needs to send me a clean bill of balls that I can sign without delay. I expect Congress to do its duty and to fund my balls, and so do the American people — and so do the good men and women standing with me here today in what I promise you is not political theater.
Thank you for your time.
by presidential speech writer Hal Brown