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By REG HENRY
Do you know what bugs me? The fact that the liberal media always refuse to print the opposite side of controversies due to political bias. Consider the state of our planet.
Many scientists have come out with a completely one-sided report that pretends everybody is in agreement with their theory, a theory that is based not on science but political motives. The way they tell it, you would think that no controversy exists at all.
That is garbage. Brave, knowledgeable voices are raised in dissent but the scientific snobs and know-it-alls in the media ignore them. With their superior noses raised in the air, they deny what common sense tells us all every day — that the world is flat.
Have they ever looked up at the moon? It’s a great flat dish in the sky. A cow couldn’t jump over it if it were a globe — its width would mean it would straddle the moon and get its udder snagged. The smallest child knows this.
Don’t tell me that Christopher Columbus proved that the world is round. He just proved that the Italians are wonderful people. It wasn’t because it was flat that he didn’t fall off the Earth — America was still on the flat part, that’s all.
Don’t tell me about satellites. The government censors the pictures of the real underside of the Earth, which is all dirt, rocks and roots and looks like the site for a coming Wal-Mart, which, of course, it may be.
Only Thomas Friedman of The New York Times dared to speak the truth in his famous book “The World Is Flat.” Thank you, Tommy. Even if your America-hating bosses at the Times despise you for your courage, we flat-earthers applaud you!
But get this: A bunch of kooks in white jackets recently released another report that said our flat Earth is the subject of “global warming,” which, of course, is nonsense because our Earth is not a globe. It may be a little warmer overall on our flat planet but climate change goes in cycles because the weather was invented by the Almighty to give people something to talk about.
The report was issued by the Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change, which is supposed to impress us. Now, if this panel were headquartered in a spot called Bob’s Barber Shop and bore its name — Bob’s Hair and Global Emissions Cut — it might impress us a whole lot more because such gathering places are populated by real people who know a thing or two about life and perhaps even studied chemistry in high school.
Instead, we have to defer to “experts.” I don’t know about you but I hate “experts.” I hate them because they know so much and have so much darn expertise.
I find that “experts” are better avoided. If a doctor should tell me that I am overweight and should go on a diet and quit drinking, well, I merely tell him to write me a prescription for a cheeseburger and a cold one because what does he know with all his years spent in medical school? It’s my body and I know better than any doctor, just as I know better about my planet than any climatologist.
Fortunately, the report came out in the middle of our current cold spell, which gave every cartoonist a cartoon about global warming in the deep freeze. How we all laughed! Of course, if the report had come out earlier last month, when it was so warm the buds were coming out, it wouldn’t have seemed so hilarious.
Fortunately, our nation’s talk show hosts have raised their voices on behalf of the people’s right not to believe in “experts.”
Who would any sensible ordinary person believe? A talk show host or a couple of thousand climate change scientists from 113 countries? A talk show host or the best scientific minds in the world? Hmmm. It’s a hard one!
Why, a talk show host, of course! Just the other day, Rush Limbaugh observed that “there’s very little science associated with all this … it’s all politics.”
It’s a shame more of us in the print media haven’t told our readers that these scientists are all socialists who want us to eat granola for breakfast and melt down our guns and cars to make giant thermometers. We don’t have to look at climate data; we just have to know that pointy heads are saying something that fans our prejudices and gets our knees a-jerking.
Hurrah for us! Pass the sunscreen and, if on the coast, the inflatable life vest and let us contemplate this goodly flat frame, the Earth.
(Reg Henry is a columnist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. E-mail rhenry(at)post-gazette.com.)