Pastor Agnostic’s Silly Sermon & other tall tales

Given the grate economic news we are getting, it is time to change the tone. We need to laugh, smile, smirk, snort, snuggle and be nice to everyone we meet, as hard as that can be at times. A recession since 2007? You mean Bush, Bernenke and Paulson all lied to us throughout 2008? I’m SHOCKED! SHOCKED, I tell you.

So, to change the mood, the Church of Ineffable Stupidity is holding a sillier than usual sermon today, and invites everyone to tell a tall tale of their own. So without further ado, and without further rusting of the lily:

Bah. Bah! Humbug!
— Pastor Agnostic, practicing his Christmas Cheer

FROM THE CHURCH OF INEFFABLE STUPIDITY:

a. 1968 – Mickey Mouse goes on strike. Demands that Disney draw Minnie with longer legs, bigger chest, and demands that he get some behind the scenes action.

“Look, how would YOU like to be a 40 yr old virgin? I can tell you, it sucks. I mean, like every night, there’s a line outside Betty Boop’s gel room, and they all leave smiling. If I hear one more Boo boo Dee doo, I will lose it.

“Me? Six stinking takes for Minnie to get her lines right, and what do I get? A peck on the cheek. Not even a blow job! I’ve had it. Either she puts out, or I go on strike.”

Disney Corporation could not be reached for comment.
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b. 1984 – Former Pittsburgh Pirates’ pitcher Dock Ellis admits he was under the influence of LSD when he pitched a 1970 no-hitter against the San Diego Padres.

“I was in Los Angeles, and the team was playing in San Diego , but I didn’t know it. I had taken LSD….. I thought it was an off-day, that’s how come I had it in me. I took the LSD at noon. At 1pm, his girlfriend and trip partner looked at the paper and said, “Dock, you’re pitching today!

“I can only remember bits and pieces of the game. I was psyched. I had a feeling of euphoria.

“I was zeroed in on the (catcher’s) glove, but I didn’t hit the glove too much. I remember hitting a couple of batters and the bases were loaded two or three times.

“The ball was small sometimes, the ball was large sometimes, sometimes I saw the catcher, sometimes I didn’t. Sometimes I tried to stare the hitter down and throw while I was looking at him. I chewed my gum until it turned to powder. They say I had about three to four fielding chances. I remember diving out of the way of a ball I thought was a line drive. I jumped, but the ball wasn’t hit hard and never reached me.”

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c. DATELINE LOS ANGELES: SoCal ARSONIST CAUGHT

After once being honored by the US Postal Service with his own stamp in 1994, Smokey Bear was arrested on arson charges in southern California early this morning. Special Agent I.B. Matches of the U.S. Forest Service announced that Mr. Bear was caught red-pawed with lighter fluid and empty gasoline cannisters.

“It was a hell of a shock, him being so famous and all. I guess with all those people sticking “the” wrongly into his name finally made him crack. I can understand that. George the Bush? Sarah the Palin? Hey, it would get to me, too. But you know what? Smokey was right. Only Smokey could stop forest fires. Especially the ones he started.”

d. SUPRISE RESIGNATION ROCKS WASHINGTON!
Vice President Dick Cheney surprised the nation today, by resigning from office, releasing more than 15,000 DVDs containing the so-called “destroyed” White House e-mails, ten huge banker’s boxes of documents he described as the “smoking guns”, and a detailed journal in which he admits to numerous crimes, including lying about Iraq and Iran, personally profiting from Haliburton’s no bid contracts, and personally authorizing NSA’s illegal wire-tapping of the entire Democratic membership in Congress and Senate, as well as every state Democratic politician in the country.

“It is with a heavy heart that I step down from office. Every rumor, every allegation, every crime of which I was accused – if I may, to be blunt, I am guilty. I committed or orchestrated them all. I used wire-taps to blackmail Nancy Pelosi and Harry Reid and forced the US Senate in an uproar when Dick Durbin compared Abu Grhaib to Nazi prisons. He was right, and on that like most of my political career, I was wrong.”

When asked why the sudden change of heart, Cheney said watching his leader, George W. Bush, admit to making mistakes, not being prepared for war, ignoring clear intel warnings about 9/11, screwing up Katrina, blowing the economy, and injecting truly offensive partisanship into Washington and lying through his teeth daily, he had an epiphany. “For the first time in my life, I saw all the damage I had done. I felt it, I knew it. I was evil, and I no longer wanted to be that person.”

He ended his short press conference by reading an announcement that he was giving up his property, all his Haliburton stock and options, his family and all his worldly possessions, donating them all to support AIDS research in San Francisco and stem cell research, and moving to an undisclosed leper colony deep in Brazil’s Amazon basin, where he would do nothing but good works for others.

e. Yellow Brick Road hits Dead End in Chesterton, Indiana.

The annual Oz festival (it once attracted 75,000 fans) has been canceled, its organizers announced Friday.

Brenda Maynard, president of the Indiana Wizard of Oz Festival, said the low turnout at September’s event caused by heavy rains and flooding was part of the decision to end the festival after 27 years.

“When you add to that the tough economy everyone is up against right now, as well as the advancing age of our Munchkin guests, who are one of the primary reasons this festival is so beloved, we had to make a decision that it’s time to retire the festival,” Maynard said.

http://www.sfgate.com/…

f. The AFA announced its opposition to the new Mattel creation – the Pregnant Barbie Doll.

The Ultra-conservative AFA threatens to cancel Christmas unless Pregnant Barbie is taken off the shelves. Rev. Dobson called for a boycott of Mattel and Pregnant Barbie until all their demands were met.

“Barbie, an American Icon for generations, should be ashamed of herself. We KNOW and teach that abstinence is the best policy, and we regret that Barbie, and her makers, Mattel, took this vile step. Pregnancy is a private matter between a man and a woman, in marriage. A Pregnant Barbie teaches other young busty girls that getting pregnant is normal. IT IS NOT NORMAL. Out of wedlock, it is a SIN! Unless their union has been blessed in lawful marriage, under Christ, we cannot allow pregnant dolls in America. We call on Mattel to remove this doll from the market. We also on Barbie to carry the baby to term, so we can place her child with a good Christian family, so the baby can learn real American Christian values!”

The obviously pregnant Barbie Doll hit the Toys R Us and other outlets and immediately became a huge hit. The brain-child of an Alaska couple who claimed they got tired of Wasilly Sarah, and admit to making a political statement, are now relishing the millions they are earning in licensing fees.

Supporters of Pregnant Barbie argue that she simply represents the real world, and after being dressed and undressed by children of ages for decades, Barbie wanted to try something new.

In unrelated news, Ken Doll missed his appointment for a DNA test and was last seen on a snowmobile, heading towards the Russian-Alaskan border.

If anyone has any information as to Ken Doll’s whereabouts, the authorities have asked that they be notified. Ken is known to be a close friend of GI Joe, and therefore, is likely to be armed and dangerous.

5 Responses to "Pastor Agnostic’s Silly Sermon & other tall tales"

  1. bryan mcclellan  December 2, 2008 at 12:39 pm

    In a rush to cement his legacy President Bush pulled his head out of his ass and declared what we all have known to be true, sorry won’t feed the Bulldog, but he could give a shit less because its dark and warm where he has been residing.

    With that he promptly returned to his anal cranial nesting place while declaring Pukstawaney Phils got nothin on me. It’s dark, the winter will be long and it’s getting darker outside too.

  2. bryan mcclellan  December 3, 2008 at 12:29 pm

    Yesterday Gov. Palin challenged Gov. Schwarzenegger to a pose off to determine who the real Governator is. Word is it will take place at next years Sturgis festivities with celebrity judges Cindy and John McCain presiding, both with full frontal nudity. Johnny will be sporting his new line of manssieres for the over 70 crowd.

    The California Gov says he’s not worried as he has a nicer rack and no turkey legged girly woman can bench press a Harley with her jawbone of an ass.

    Gov Palin is said to have retorted testily, that turkey steroids can be masked whereas beefcake anabolic’s will be his downfall during the swimsuit competition.

    In an attempt at saving face a Bavarian and an Alaskan community have asked for the return of their Village idiots.

  3. neondesert  December 3, 2008 at 2:43 pm

    Nov. 26 – Ann Coulter’s mouth wired shut.
    In what some say was an act of compassion and others claim was an act of desparation, surgeons performed an act of medical necessity yesterday when they wired shut the mouth of conservative pundit Ann Coulter.

    Oh…wait. Maybe I’m not getting the concept of this exercise…

  4. bryan mcclellan  December 3, 2008 at 11:49 pm

    I’m all puzzled up at her silence Neon since Dear Annie is soooo fond of talking out of her ass.

  5. bryan mcclellan  December 4, 2008 at 10:10 am

    Dateline Dec 4 08..

    At the behest of Karl Rove, failing legacy builder,
    Max Factor and Revlon have reached an impasse and have agreed to pool their research and findings in an effort to create a line of legacy makeup products for the lame duck president, G.W. Bush.

    Spokesmen for each company have admitted that this task poses nearly insurmountable obstacles to even their formidable combined knowledge of cover up techniques.

    Revlons scientists report that formulas tested using strict laboratory procedures were so successful when used on pigs that some of the porcine participants were actually hired as porn stars and Fox news hosts, but when these same formulas were applied to the Bush legacy they immediately turned to shit.

    Max Factors Gurus report similar findings when applying their formulas to Rats. They applauded their overwhelming success when some of the rodents were able to gnaw their way into the incoming Presidents administration, and one just recently retained it’s Senate seat. But again as in Revlons case application to the Bush legacy caused all their hard work to turn fetid and rancid before their very eyes.

    In a related story: Estee Lauder and Channel were consulted about this dilemma but declined to comment other than to say they would not wish to attempt to shave the dogs ass and make it walk backwards.

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