Pastor Agnostic’s Sermon from the Church of Ineffable Stupidity

1636 – The Massachusetts General Court provided 400 pounds to support a school or college, and so, Harvard University was founded in Cambridge, MA.

1904 – Fingerprinting was first used by the St. Louis Police Department.


As a Christian I have no duty to allow myself to be cheated, but I have the duty to be a fighter for truth and justice.
— Adolf Hitler


a) Senator Ted Stevens, R, Alaska, Convict
Guilty on all seven counts. He proclaims his innocence, and will fight this conviction to the bitter end.
Considering we have 6 days left before the election, that bitter end may not be far away.

In unrelated news, Sarah Palin, his political trainee, refused to ask for his resignation. Her issued press release was the standard, wordy, insubstantial, empty, fact-free, non-statement that is quickly becoming her personal trademark.

– – –

b) Hell hath frozen over.
Not only are GOPers endorsing Obama for President, FORBES MAGAZINE just endorsed his health care plan!

We are skeptical of the value of McCain’s plan for three reasons. First, the tax increase McCain proposes and the resulting dislocations it creates are the last thing American business needs now, when it’s in the midst of a severe economic crisis. Second, the non-group market is nowhere near as rosy as McCain makes it out to be. People who buy insurance in that market now are risk rated, see their pre-existing conditions excluded from coverage or priced higher and are never secure in their coverage. The McCain plan would amplify, not fix, these problems.

Third, the McCain health plan has a huge financing hole–between $1 and $2 trillion over the next decade. Only the most draconian Medicare and Medicaid cuts would make the plan work. But such cuts would be devastating for the very providers that are needed to make health reform work.

It is clear to us that Barack Obama’s health care reform plan is much better for the country, and much more likely to be successful, than John McCain’s.

Pastor Ag must pinch himself to assure that his optical system is not in REM sleep.

– – –

c) A collection of Rectums
Jon Burge, the master and commander of torture for the Chicago Police Department, proclaimed his innocence. He is free on $250,000 federal bond. I imagine that keeping him behind bars with those innocents he wrongly tortured and had convicted of crimes they did not commit might not be much fun.

Drew Peterson, the local ex-cop accused of killing his 4th wife, and drowning his third, was named NOT the worst person in the world by a local divorce lawyer’s association. He’s heading to Tee Vee for more interviews.

Karl Rove was paid unknown large sums by the RNC, for activities yet to be disclosed, the same people who paid for Sarah Palin’s new wardrobe. When asked about why, for what and how much, he merely smiled.

Rudy Guiliani, the massive cyst on the above mentioned rectum, claimed that Obama called himself a socialist and will instill socialism across the country. Rudi, Americans don’t scare like they used to. We are all scared out.

There are others. Many others. The head of the Florida GOP. The head of the Ohio GOP. The head of the Indiana GOP. The head of. . . well, you get the idea.

– – –

d) Florida’s GOP
Someone in the GOP got a hold of the list of citizens who had asked for absentee ballots, either because of illness or inability to travel.
At least one jerk had presented himself to these voters, told them he would personally deliver their votes to the election center, saving them postage and hassle. More than a dozen folks (and counting) gladly gave him their ballots.

Surprise, surprise. The ballots never made it to the election center. The vast majority of the voters had voted for Obama.

Maybe this effort at suppressing the vote won’t work. As of Monday, Florida’s Secretary of State’s Web advised that 1,016,275 people cast abesntee ballots.

– – –

Thought for the day.
For 20 years, corporate America has gradually taken over our news organizations, our political process, even how we vote. “Trust us. We can do it better than government.”

It has led us to an unmitigated disaster in Iraq, with fraud so pervasive and huge, that even trying to understand how badly the American citizen has been ripped off by US corporations will give you a migraine. Even worse, Dick Cheney cut the legs out of anyone trying to stop it.

It has led to a thin layer of execs earning more than 400 times the average wage of their workers (Compared to Europe’s, Japan’s, even China’s 15-1). Rather than increase shareholder value, create real jobs with benefits and security, and be good corporate citizens, these slime MBAs simply lined their own pockets.

It has led to a financial industry that was promoted as a shining example for the world, promising huge benefits. . . . to those who owned the companies. Now, they have delivered disaster to all who trusted them. what might have been a tiny recession (after all, these things are cyclical), they turned into a global crisis and full-fledged depression.

It has led to a mortgage industry that should be the first against the wall when the revolution comes. Starting with Fred and Fan.

It has led to a health care industry that punishes doctors, patients, nurses, and hospital execs, while rewarding health insurers and drug companies. We pay twice as much in health care costs than the next most expensive country, except a much smaller percentage of Americans actually have access to health care, and the results we have earned show it. Prenatal care is 35th in the world, resulting in truly astounding numbers of deaths at childbirth and life long diseases and disabilities. Preventative care is falling by the wayside, because we can’t afford it. And drug companies spend more money promoting three competing penis hardening drugs than they do on scientific research and development of new drugs.

After all, limp penises are far more important than cancer cures, HIV vaccines, asthma treatment, stem cell cures for paralysis and other major life changed problems.

Limp penises. Yeah, that is the perfect description of today’s corporate America.


  1. pollchecker

    Limp penises. Yeah, that is the perfect description of today’s corporate America.

    Actually, I think it is the perfect description for the McCain campaign (heh heh).

  2. Malibu

    A collection of rectums? I love it! I prefer it to “limp penises” for personal reasons. Had a great laugh! Thank you Pastor A.


  3. doug from canada

    I dunno, I think those corporate dicks are pretty hard. Otherwise it wouldn’t hurt so much when they’re screwing us – which of course is all the time.

  4. Carl Nemo

    Thanks for the spot-on sermon Pastor Agnostic…! 😀

    It wouldn’t surprise me a bit if Alaskans reelect Senator Stevens. All we can attribute this to is the SAD syndrome; ie., Seasonal affective disorder where long periods of low light, the Midnight Sun, causes depression and limits one’s ability to make sound decisions under stress. In other words they are a bit “owlie” and stumbling about… :))

    Surely John McCain won’t be shopping for his suggested nightmarish “free market” health plan. He, Cindy and the kids have the best plan in the world; ie., the plan Congressmen are afforded as part of their bloated percs.

    Based on your superb indictment of where our non-competitive corporate AmeriKa has gotten this once great nation, we can only imagine everyone elbowing each other to hopefully find a decent medical plan while these ever-scheming sob’s figure out how to provide limited sub-standard coverage to the unwashed masses. The end result will be a crippled plan provided for the masses with many if not most folks that already have a plan as function of their company benefits being dumped, since companies will no longer provide medical coverage even at group rates. Why should they? The government is now providing a “whopping” $5,000 per annum for acquiring a plan. Unfortunately a decent plan is more on the order of 9-12,000 per annum. Yep, ol’ John boy is shorly lookin’ out for “we’z the peeple”…NOT! : |

    McCain’s plan is another example of the continuing corporatist nightmare that has so surely destroyed this country since the emergence of Reaganomics, deregulation and “blue sky” regulation concerning emerging industries; e.g., the cell phone and cable TV industry during the past 20 years; ie., two industries who’s rates and policies are totally out of control.

    Enough is enough I say! It’s time to get the hot tar bucket, the feather pillows and sharp-edged rails and even a rope in some cases and drive them out of Congress as well as off corporate boards!

    The U.S. has become the “Empire of the Rising Scum” and assuredly the most foul of this crimpol and corporatist flocculant can be found at the top… : |

    Carl Nemo **==

  5. DejaVuAllOver

    Nice, Rob! Especially your Rectum Awards column. You should make this a weekly tribute to the geniuses that run (ruin?) our country.

  6. Cailleach

    After spending thousands of dollars (when I had them) on health insurance, and getting NOTHING for my money, I will never, ever, again pay for it. Recently I was even denied medicare payment for a totally legitimate series of blood tests. “We only pay for blood tests that are used for diagnosing diseases of the blood.” (It was for thyroid function blood tests and was physician-ordered!) What a bald-faced lie! Now I’m afraid to get tests for cholesteral and triglycerides!