Sex With Teacher

Dedicated to Doug Thompson

Here’s a report from a Nashville news station:

Because she’s pretty, I’ll bet she gets about six months suspended.

In case anyone was wondering whether this was an epidemic or not:

That’s the scandal page of Now, not every entry is of a female teacher sleeping with a male student. At the top, a male teacher hacks into a male student’s email and sends a fake letter to force a break-up with his girlfriend — the teacher apparently after the male student, not the girlfriend.

No one has stopped to wonder whether as a new phenomenon there is some reason for all this female teacher/male student fornication. Provided isolated incidents aren’t being fanned into some sort of phenomenon by the media alone — though this surely contributes — there might be another explanation for all this.

The article linked to above concerns dropping sperm count in the industrialized world from Finland through Scotland to the U.S.A.. Here’s an idea: what if diminishing sperm counts are causing ovulating school teachers to seek out younger reproduction partners? Perhaps the sperm count has gotten so low that you have to pluck the fruit when it’s barely ripe, in other words, just out of puberty.

This begs the question: how does a woman know? Well, the reproductive instinct is far from completely understood. Women on the pill, for example, have an entirely different sense of smell when it comes to picking a mate:

One could hypothesize that either: a) women can smell higher sperm count by way of any number of different indicators, and that younger men/teenagers now stand out; b) men themselves smell differently when they have lower sperm count because of its relation to a number of other factors, and that rather than teenagers smelling “good” adult men are smelling “bad”.

In any case, the morals of this student/teacher coupling should be clear: a healthy double-standard is the best thing is most cases. Back in my day — not so long ago — if a hot female teacher started making the rounds in the junior high school, we would have clamped our mouths shut and shown the discretion of English gentlemen. Never would there have been a fairer time for all! But, alas, this current generation and its morals — spilling the beans after she’s given you the greatest gift a woman can give — well, we know things are going downhill now.