Breaking news!

Friday, October 3, 2008 — After Sarah Palin’s failure to turn up for the debate against her Democratic opponent last night, embarrassed Republican campaign officials confirmed that they had indeed been unable to find her to get her to St. Louis last night. They also admitted that they had not been able to contact her for the past five days.

Ron N. Scared, a spokesman for the campaign, revealed that she had gone to one of Senator McCain’s ranches to prepare for the debate, but they had lost touch with her because she had gone to a ranch that McCain forgot he owned. “Really, it’s perfectly understandable,” said Scared. “He has a bunch of places that he calls home, and he just forgot to mention this one to us when he offered it to Governor Palin.”

Mr Scared tried to put a positive spin on the problem. “We’re grooming her to be Dick Cheney’s replacement, so it’s imperative that she know how to be in a secure undisclosed location. In fact, we’ll be moving her from one secure undisclosed location to another to another all during the month of October so she’ll be ready to fill Mr. Cheney’s shoes.

“In fact, she’s also agreed to undergo a partial lobotomy so she’ll be of the same intellectual caliber as the previous Republican Vice President, Dan Quayle.”

Doctors at Alaska Universal Hospital confirmed that Governor Palin was scheduled for surgery during the next week or so. Dr Malcolm Practice, the chief of neurosurgery at Alaska Universal told reporters, “Luckily in this case it’s pretty simple surgery. She’s almost at the same level as Quayle already, so we’re removing only about half of the right frontal lobe, a piece about about the size of a pencil eraser.”