You are probably wondering how you too can join in the veneration of Saint Sarah Palin, who in a very short time has attracted a large and faithful following.
Admittedly, she has not been officially beatified, but miracles have been reported across the country.
Up in Alaska, she has turned the icebergs into water, although some secular spoilsports blame global warming. No surprise there! These are the sorts of people who would throw an exhausted polar bear a life jacket.
Whatever. Bloggers will soon tell us about the Hillary Rodham Clinton supporter who said supporting Barack Obama gave her boils and seeing Sarah on television had cured them. You know the elitist media have been covering this up. They hate any mention of boils because they came from fancy prep schools where blemishes were not tolerated.
I understand her image has also appeared on several refrigerators — the ultimate in spiritual proof in America. If she appears on the side of a corn silo, by George W., it will be time to call the Vatican.
(Please don’t bother me with your theological quibbles about Saint Sarah not being Catholic. The fact that she’s an American did not stop her from cozying up to the Alaskan Independence Party, which has the motto "Alaska First — Alaska Always," which isn’t exactly "Country First." But, hey, so what that the first dude-in-waiting actually belonged to this party for close to seven years? The point is that flexibility is a virtue from Rome to Juneau.)
Did I mention the man who had been listening to talk radio so much that his brain threw a rope out his right ear and shimmied on down? He now reports that his brain has returned in order to soak up Sarah Palin information 24/7. The very ear that cooperated in his brain’s original escape has since agreed to act as an antenna for Fox News. This too has been hushed up by the usual suspects. Hint: You won’t see it in The New York Times, no sir, and not just because they have standards.
Most remarkably, political correctness, which used to be the province of snarky liberals, has now become a powerful force insulating Saint Sarah from all criticism. She has put on the armor of Teflon righteousness, she walks on the water of criticism. Anybody who dares criticize the Sainted One is subject to the vilest criticism from her goodly army of believers. But enough about the e-mails I have received lately.
Why has sainthood happened? Truly, it is a miracle. Barack Obama was the Anointed One. Now he is the formerly anointed one, a man so yesterday his title has shrunk to lower case letters.
Do you know the secret to Saint Sarah’s anointing? Moose grease was used in the ceremony. Trust the Democrats to screw up a simple anointing.
You, too, can join the heavenly chorus. The first thing to do is banish all liberal thoughts from your head. In fact, banish all thoughts from your head, except those dedicated to the glory of Sarah and that nice old gentleman, McMoses I think his name is, who parted the Red Sea and is leading our sassy and stylish saint to the promised land of the White House, a land of milk and honey and caribou living in harmony with oil rigs.
Of course, there are few new commandments you will have to learn:
1. Thou shalt not be a community organizer.
2. Thou shalt not have a lack of executive experience.
3. Thou shalt not point out that Jesus of Nazareth had no executive experience when he set out on His mission to save the world. Executive experience is everything, even a small bit of it, as thou should know if thou knows what is good for thee.
4. Thou shall not refuse to drill everywhere and often.
5. Thou shalt not have false progressive idols before thee.
6. Thou shalt not say no to bearing false witness against thy political neighbor at least, because there will come a time when thou may have to suggest that thou sold the government’s ass on eBay when thou didn’t; likewise thou may have to mislead in the interest of the greater good with a tale on thy Bridge to Nowhere.
7. Thou shalt not teach sex education in schools.
8. Thou shalt name thy firstborn Track.
9. Honor thy mother and thy father, but also and especially any grandfather dude who didn’t give thee a thorough vetting but had good luck, thanks be to heaven.
10. Thou shalt not laugh at any who dare think that Saint Sarah’s sainthood is hilarious.
My friends, believe in the miracle.
(Reg Henry is a columnist for the Pittsburgh Post-Gazette. E-mail rhenry(at)post-gazette.com)