I am delighted to report that those attending the CPAC conference this weekend should have an uplifting time. Those bratty ‘crats can only muster a bunch of geriatric Hollywood has beens like Susan Sarandon, Barbra Streisand, James Brolin, Ted Danson, Mary Steenburgen, Jason Alexander and some guy that played Meathead to their shindigs.

But the patrician ‘pulicans garnered the glitterati and glamerous to their CPAC event. Aside from the prexy, who is busy, nobody shines brighter than their understudy star, the luminescent Vice President Dick Cheney who will dazzle them with his repartee and toothsome smile.

The subcutaneous adiposity deprived Ann Coulter already told the adoring godly crowd:

I would comment on John Edwards, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word ‘faggot.’ (Video)

This is coming from the north end of a woman whose southern end train aficinados in Washington refer to as Union Station.

Also in the CPAC spotlight are darlings of the right Sean Hannity, Tom Delay, Michelle Malkin, Newt Gingrich and Phyllis Schlafly.

Of the top three 2008 Republican presidential wannabes, Rudy Giuliani, Mitt Romney, and Sen. John McCain, only the later declined to attend the Conservative Political Action Conference annual extravaganza.

As far as McCain’s bowing out, this is from the Reverend Sun Myung Moon’s conservative Washington Times:

“….the Arizona Republican has “dissed” organizers by attempting to schedule a private reception for attendees after rejecting invitations to speak at the event.

“It was a classical McCain move, dissing us by going behind our backs,” said William J. Lauderback, executive vice president of the American Conservative Union.

Conservative activists have speculated that Mr. McCain did not want to be seen on television “pandering” to Republican “right-wingers” but wanted to court those same activists at a reception in the same hotel.

“He turned down repeated CPAC offers to speak but then tried to get around us by having his office call the hotel to rent a room for a reception for CPAC attendees — without first seeking approval of CPAC organizers,” said Mr. Lauderback. Washington Times

Of the group of lesser lights who aspire to sleep and have sanctified sex in the presidential bedroom, only Senator Sam Brownback stands out both with some name recognition and credibility as a far right candidate, but as a Catholic recruited to what evangelicals may view as a papist cult by a member of Opus Dei even he may be questionable.

Let’s face it, between each of them they simply lack enough of the requisite Christ creds to be on the End of Days’ elevator skyward when it comes to positions on abortion, stem cell research, creationism, evolution, prayer in schools, religious displays on public property, vigilantes patrolling our southern border with AR-15s, abstinence only sex education, same-sex marriage, homosexuality, masturbation, premarital frottage, fellatio, cunnilingus, and lesser transgressions like tight jeans and young women showing cleavage, not to mention rap and rock music.

I have to admit to being tickled pick, and I won’t say where but it’s a place where Republicans fear to tread, when I consider the decidedly questionable Bible baggage each of the big three are about to bring to the coming inquisition when they face the scrutiny of the Torquemada’s of today, the Robertsons, Falwells and Dodsons.

(Hal Brown is a clinical social worker and former mental health center director who is mostly retired from his private psychotherapy practice. He writes on the psychopathology of public figures and other topics that pique his interest. He can be found online at