A White House Press Conference from Hell

Senator, the Turks have been loyal allies to Europe and America for a generation. They have a viable, thriving democracy, and deal fairly with all, despite their religious’ sects’ differences. Then, there is the Kurdish problem. What should America’s role be with respect to the Kurds? Especially when they continue to attack Turks on their own soil?

a: I realize that there is a difference between Shia and Sunni, and the most sacred responsibility vested in a president – the commander in chief – is to “preserve and protect” American citizens. We don’t need any more POWs period.

But, Senator, what of the Kurds?

a: The best way to secure long-term peace and security is to establish a stable, prosperous, and democratic state in Iraq. An American POW, like me, more that anyone, understand freedom.

Senator, you were for abortion rights for years. Now suddenly, after courting the religious reich, you have changed your position. And just three days ago, you denied that you had changed. How do you explain that?

a: Bringing costs under control is the only way to stop the erosion of affordable health insurance, save Medicare and Medicaid, protect private health benefits for retirees, and allow our companies to effectively compete around the world.
Abortions cost too much, so canceling them saves everyone money. Besides, as a POW, the medical care was not an option. Besides, what POW is ever going to want an abortion?

Senator, you own between eight and eleven homes. How much do you pay your servants to keep them clean?

a: Wait, I know this one. My aides just told me. $273,000 a year, and since we rent them stables to live in, and because they can stay there at greatly discounted housing costs, we can pay them just under the minimum wage. Good help is hard to find. Clean sheets are extra.

Senator, you never really answered any questions about your Keating 5 S&L scandal, your connections with Jack Abramof, your continued association with the international thief Phil Gramm, and so many other criminals, indicted crooks, and very shady customers. Will you continue to do so as president?

a: Did I tell you that I spent 5 years as a prisoner of war in Hanoi?

Senator, rumors of John Edwards’ love life demolished his career. You and the lobbyist, Vicki Iseman, were not only seen together inappropriately, but confirmed rumors prove that you have repeatedly violated your wedding vows with each of your wives many times. How do you respond?

a: I was a POW for years. I served my country at the same time that my opponent was meeting with communists like Ayers. I think that says it all.

Senator, you claim that Barak Obama is elitist. Yet your income and assets greatly exceed his. How do you respond?

a: Did I tell you that I was POW for FIVE years? Everything I have, I either earned or married into. That’s not elitist, that’s payback. What as that uppity, er, ni, ah, er done? NOTHING. THAT makes him elitist. I’m just your typical POW success story.

Senator, will you agree not to solely rely on an event that took place more than 30 years ago, and campaign on the issues?

a: I have NEVER, I repeat, NEVER hidden behind or used my FIVE YEARS, did you hear that? FIVE YEARS, as a POW for any political gain. NEVER. NOT ONCE. My war hero status, based solely on those FIVE YEARS as a POW, well, that’s just a fact, not a campaign issue, and I will never use that, EVER, to hide any issue or fact. How many of you goddamn stupid, jerks, you stupid reporters, even you ugly cunts, ever spent time in a prison, much less the Hanoi Hilton? I DID, goddamn it, and DAMN them Gooks, I EARNED WHAT I HAVE NOW.
So NO, I will NEVER HIDE THE FACT that I was a goddamn POW for FIVE YEARS.