A White House Press Conference from Hell

Senator, the Turks have been loyal allies to Europe and America for a generation. They have a viable, thriving democracy, and deal fairly with all, despite their religious’ sects’ differences. Then, there is the Kurdish problem. What should America’s role be with respect to the Kurds? Especially when they continue to attack Turks on their own soil?

a: I realize that there is a difference between Shia and Sunni, and the most sacred responsibility vested in a president – the commander in chief – is to “preserve and protect” American citizens. We don’t need any more POWs period.

But, Senator, what of the Kurds?

a: The best way to secure long-term peace and security is to establish a stable, prosperous, and democratic state in Iraq. An American POW, like me, more that anyone, understand freedom.

Senator, you were for abortion rights for years. Now suddenly, after courting the religious reich, you have changed your position. And just three days ago, you denied that you had changed. How do you explain that?

a: Bringing costs under control is the only way to stop the erosion of affordable health insurance, save Medicare and Medicaid, protect private health benefits for retirees, and allow our companies to effectively compete around the world.
Abortions cost too much, so canceling them saves everyone money. Besides, as a POW, the medical care was not an option. Besides, what POW is ever going to want an abortion?

Senator, you own between eight and eleven homes. How much do you pay your servants to keep them clean?

a: Wait, I know this one. My aides just told me. $273,000 a year, and since we rent them stables to live in, and because they can stay there at greatly discounted housing costs, we can pay them just under the minimum wage. Good help is hard to find. Clean sheets are extra.

Senator, you never really answered any questions about your Keating 5 S&L scandal, your connections with Jack Abramof, your continued association with the international thief Phil Gramm, and so many other criminals, indicted crooks, and very shady customers. Will you continue to do so as president?

a: Did I tell you that I spent 5 years as a prisoner of war in Hanoi?

Senator, rumors of John Edwards’ love life demolished his career. You and the lobbyist, Vicki Iseman, were not only seen together inappropriately, but confirmed rumors prove that you have repeatedly violated your wedding vows with each of your wives many times. How do you respond?

a: I was a POW for years. I served my country at the same time that my opponent was meeting with communists like Ayers. I think that says it all.

Senator, you claim that Barak Obama is elitist. Yet your income and assets greatly exceed his. How do you respond?

a: Did I tell you that I was POW for FIVE years? Everything I have, I either earned or married into. That’s not elitist, that’s payback. What as that uppity, er, ni, ah, er done? NOTHING. THAT makes him elitist. I’m just your typical POW success story.

Senator, will you agree not to solely rely on an event that took place more than 30 years ago, and campaign on the issues?

a: I have NEVER, I repeat, NEVER hidden behind or used my FIVE YEARS, did you hear that? FIVE YEARS, as a POW for any political gain. NEVER. NOT ONCE. My war hero status, based solely on those FIVE YEARS as a POW, well, that’s just a fact, not a campaign issue, and I will never use that, EVER, to hide any issue or fact. How many of you goddamn stupid, jerks, you stupid reporters, even you ugly cunts, ever spent time in a prison, much less the Hanoi Hilton? I DID, goddamn it, and DAMN them Gooks, I EARNED WHAT I HAVE NOW.
So NO, I will NEVER HIDE THE FACT that I was a goddamn POW for FIVE YEARS.


  1. Hal Brown

    Read Maureen Dowd on the POW subject
    “Too Much of a Bad Thing”.

    So it’s hard to believe that John McCain is now in danger of exceeding his credit limit on the equivalent of an American Express black card. His campaign is cheapening his greatest strength — and making a mockery of his already dubious claim that he’s reticent to talk about his P.O.W. experience — by flashing the P.O.W. card to rebut any criticism, no matter how unrelated. The captivity is already amply displayed in posters and TV advertisements.

  2. bryan mcclellan

    Senator: the American people have been P.O.B.’s ( prisoners of bush) for the last eight years and the torture though excruciating has just begun.
    Does this not in fact overshadow your 5 years of captivity?

    HELL NO, wait till they get 8 years of P.O.M.(prisoners of me), that’ll show em. Dammed poverty stricken elitists!

  3. Hal Brown

    A what-if I forgot when I wrote my column on McCain’s relying on a 40 year old war story to answer any tricky question:

    What McCain says makes him more of a war hero than just any old run of the mill POW is that he was offered an early release because he was the son of an admiral.

    What if he accepted that release?

    He would have broken the honor code among all POWs that says you don’t accept any favors from the enemy that your comrades don’t also get.

    Getting out before those who were there longer than you is the ultimate favor.

    If he came home under those conditions he probably would have ruined both any chance for advancement in the military or a political career.

    Anyone who risks life and limb in service to their country can be called heroic. But those who embellish, let alone brag about, their heroism, diminish the stature of true heroes.

  4. bryan mcclellan

    AMEN to that Hal.
    I knew a man who escaped the Germans twice in WWII and that was all he had to say about it.
    Respect prevented me from asking anything more.
    Painful recollection he had no time for, too many others had suffered a much worse fate.
    A true Hero he was by any standard.

  5. AveryMoore

    Let’s change the job description so people can wake up!

    “Wanted: bright, attentive, responsible, no BS, no blame-shifting, no flip-flopping, detail-oriented, calm, thorough, decisive, impossible to distract, person with an excellent memory

    to accept the burden and responsibilities of an


    Now, color me chicken, but I think all of us would be terrified to put this memory-challenged, blame-dodging macho septuagenarian in charge of keeping planes from crashing into each other – ‘where did I send NY Heavy 1203, or was that last week?’

    Tell me, why would anyone dream of giving the same guy earth’s toughest job?

    Any answers out there? Pls advise.

  6. trog69

    Avery, aren’t computers involved with traffic controllers abilities to do their jobs? That kinda takes McCain out of the running right there, huh?

  7. AveryMoore


    Computers? That’s all entirely propaganda! No reason to fear them old computers! Hip Senators will tell ya, all they is is a buncha tubes! You bet.

    Old Mac he’ll just grit his teeth staring at the inbound console and out-will them. ‘I don’t want to see ‘UK 1049 Heavy’ in that corridor! Make it so!’

    Lacking a spinal cord, and a sense of command, computers know humans call the shots and run the show, most days of the week, unless they’re feeling uppity. He’ll teach em good manners too. You get that from bein macho.

    Now as to running airplanes, remembering where they are, which ones are important to the economy, which planes and airports the wife owns, and so forth, we need to be a bit Librul and make wide allowance about expected averages.

    Insurance companies do that. They know not all of those jumbos are expected to land safely, and in fairness to John, some will have to wait a few senior’s moments before John gets back to paying attention. Or land somewhere else in The Promised Land. There’s a lot on his mind.

    But John understands that part.

    Details are the staff’s job. His job is photo-ops at biker rallies.

    I think that puts him in a class by himself. No?

  8. old_curmudgeon

    It is saddening how, especially over the past 7 and a half years, the word “hero” has become just another 4-letter word.

    The decision, conscious or not, to commonize specifically the terms “hero” and “patriot” demarcate a visceral change in the way we are supposed to look at things.

    Kneel in respect to the uniform…

    Wearing a uniform, whether military, police, fireman, etc., does not invest the wearer with “hero” stature. Wearing a flag pin on one’s lapel or sticking a magnetic red, white, and blue “support the troops (or else)” ribbon (made in China, incidently) on the back of your Buick does not invest them with “Patriot” stature.

    Doing your job does not automatically make one a “hero” or “patriot.” Sorry.

    Getting shot down (and trashing 5 multimillion dollar aircraft along the way) does not rate “hero” status. Respect for serving, yes. Hero? No.

    Standing on a smoldering pile of what used to be a building in front of America and saying, with a tear in his eye, “We will make those who did this to us pay” (which he has yet to do) does not make the person saying it a “patriot”, high office or not.

    Sitting in the People’s House (for what that’s worth), Senator or Representative, left or right or not, does not one a patriot make.

    It belittles those who truly are heros or patriots.

    My standards are a little higher than that.

  9. AveryMoore

    Is it safe to assume you remember Ike?

    That memory casts a huge shadow over a lot of narcissistic blowhard spotlight kids – of all ages – these days. People who claim, with astonishing and unsoldierly immodesty, that guys like Audie Murphy and Chesty Miller were pussies for not having the hardware know how they do. Not heroes in the modern sense.

    Then you tell them what they did. Some of them get the point, the rest bask in nothing but their own mirror.

    Can’t change that, but agreed, it’s a different world now. When I was growing up there was a legion hall across the street and some vet would tell some youngster – “My best friend? When the shell hit our position the force of his body parts, the flying bones, hit and killed three men. The survivors left counter-attacked the enemy position and took it. Not a day passes that I don’t remember him.”

    These men don’t accept, want or solicit tokens of media acclaim. If they talk at all about what they went through it is in reverence to a crew who shared hardship. The glory part? It was a farce.