Muzz Xpress Press (MUXP*) Presents
In a Surprise Move…
for August 5, 2008
…for those times when you’re sick and tired of reading the real news!
China Announces Olympic Games are Headed to Switzerland
BEIJING (MUXP*) Bowing to international pressure and criticism of its environmental policy, the Chinese government announced this morning that it will move the Olympic Games to Switzerland, possibly as early as this afternoon.
Published reports indicate that despite massive factory shutdowns and a fifty percent reduction in the number of vehicles allowed to be driven in the Beijing area, air quality has not improved sufficiently for the Games to proceed.
After months of speculation as to whether air quality would meet standards, a spokesman today declared, “I feel great, but I am accustomed to the weather here.”
When asked how such a feat might be accomplished in such a short time, a spokesman replied, “You will be able to read about it on the Internet.”
Celebrities, CEOS and international heads of state, including the official American delegation, are already making travel changes. It is unclear just how many athletes have agreed to make the trip.
There was no immediate word as to what facilities, if any, would be used, but rather a general consensus that people would have to “make do” in exchange for enjoying the pristine conditions.
The Swiss government did not offer an official statement, as most everyone is on vacation on the Costa del Sol at present.
However, in an email received at our offices, a Swiss resident offered the following testimonial: “We do have fabulous air, exclusive air. Rarified air! Not for everybody air!”
“World Citizen” Obama: One Plane, Many Flags
CHICAGO (MUXP*) In order to deflect criticism that his recently repainted campaign jet lost its American flag and in a gesture intended to touch the tender hearts of voters, the presumptive Democratic presidential nominee, Barrack Obama, announced that his jet will be repainted with the flags of all nations upon its cute, round belly.
A campaign spokesperson was quoted as saying, “There are so many flags, each one will have to be kinda small, but you’ll be able to see them up close, which we think is super duper cool.”
“Regular Guy” McCain Will Roast a Pig on TV
FLAGSTAFF (MUXP*) Responding to pressure that his Arizona ranch has been off-limits to reporters, thus excluding 99.9% of the voting public, a spokesman for the presumptive Republican presidential nominee, John McCain, announced the broadcast of an ultra-exclusive fundraising pig roast at the residence. The event will air on Sunday, August 17th beginning at 2 p.m. PDT and will be carried by Faux News.
“Get ready to rumble,” said one long-time supporter who is planning to attend the event. “I wouldn’t miss it for anything, but it is a good thing that it’s happening before pro football starts up. Then again, that’s all part of the McCain strategy.”
The McCain spokesman cautioned that while it will not be the sole focus of the event, watching a pig roasting over an open fire is not for everyone. “We expect to take some flak from animal rights groups, but what the heck. We have most of them on tape ordering bacon at diners. They may fire when ready!”
When pressed by reporters as to whether he was picking a fight with animal advocates, he added sheepishly, “Of course, we’ll have plenty of vegetarian side dishes!”
Murdoch Considers Leasing Most Unusual Ad Space
NEW YORK (MUXP*) Media pundits are baffled by a swirl of rumors surrounding the claim that Rupert Murdoch is considering leasing ad space in a most unusual venue – tombstones.
Muzz Xpress Press reached out to Mr. Murdoch for a comment, who stated, “There are literally millions of headstones with nothing but ad space just begging for creative re-use. I’m sure people would love to offset both their grief and the high cost of funerals by allowing us to carve a few discreet lines onto a headstone or two.”
Mr. Murdoch was interviewed by an intrepid cub reporter who was nearly sideswiped as she leaned into his limousine’s window as it veered into dense Park Avenue traffic. “For those who have lost loved ones some time ago, it makes for a compelling birthday or anniversary remembrance, as well as a nice reminder of what the dear departed would want most – a check in your mailbox.”
He added, “You know, so you can take yourself out to dinner, buy a subscription to The Journal or do something to prop up the economy.”
DISCLAIMER: Posts written for humorous intent only! These stories have absolutely no basis in fact!