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May 14, 2007 - 8:36am.
Poor Katie Couric. They princess of perk has turned into the dour diva of the evening news. Her CBS Evening News ratings have fallen below even those of Dan Rather and the buzz in TV newsland is that she will be gone after the 2008 elections.

Nothing, it seems, has worked for Katie. A new producer, brought in to revamp the newscast and make it more "serious" and "relevant," hasn't saved the day and while CBS executives express public support for Couric they admit privately that she and her $15 million a year annual salary were big, expensive mistakes.

However, we have some suggested remedies for Katie that should save her show. We arrived at these recommendations after watching other news programs, especially the cable TV news shows, to see what works.

To better understand what passes as news, we offer this video presentation from our friends at JibJab:


OK. Now we know what is "really the news." So let's see what we can do to help Katie sell the news on CBS:

  • Get a boob job. Let's face it Katie. Those 50-year-old hooters are starting to sag. Pump them up with silicone and wear some low-cut blouses.
  • Show more leg. It worked for years on the Today Show. This is entertainment Katie baby so put the gams on display.
  • Hit a couple of high-profile night spots wearing a short skirt and no panties. Remember to shave.
  • Call your interview subjects "idiots." It works for Bill O'Reilly.
  • Launch a "worst person in the world" segment and make sure that you alternate between Brian Williams and Charles Gibson. God knows Keith Olbermann has milked the Bill O'Reilly factor to death with the stunt.
  • Cry a lot on the air. Surely you can be more sympathetic than Anderson Cooper.
  • Marry Kevin Federline. Having K-Fed as an embarrassing husband ensures constant exposure on the syndicated tabloid news shows and regular features in People or US Weekly.
  • Check yourself into rehab. That's worth a ratings bump or two. Don't shave your head, though. That's going too far.
  • Make a porn video that gets released on the Internet. Maybe something with you and Matt Lauer?
  • Get drunk and leave nasty messages on other people's answering machines. You'll be page one news for at least a week.
  • Confess to a lesbian affair with Ellen Degeneres. The last time we checked, her show's ratings were higher than yours.
  • Claim you gave George W. Bush a blow job in the Oval Office. No, scratch that. Done before by an ambitious young woman to a previous President.
  • If all else fails Katie, just leave. Disappear. Missing white women always make news.
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I Didn't Know

whether to laugh or "cry" after reading this. I gave up watching "network" news almost six months ago. Thanks for posting the Jib-Jab video -- I'd not seen this before and it hit the point very effectively.

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Kattie's blues

The problem with Katie was that she was over sold, Like when you keep hearing what a great movie such and such is (WHICH NEVER IS THAT GOOD) and her base watchers never came to watch her evening news position as they were turned off by her defection from her morning show for the millions of bucks normal people never see or have.

Needless to say she made a big mistake leaving her morning spot for the big bucks.

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The News...!

Being a newsreader is a tough job. You really aren't being paid for your intellectual input into the product, but moreso for your ability to act. Katie can't help it, but her persona is that of a "sweetie-pie". Generally speaking the news is not of a "sweetie-pie" nature so her personality is juxtaposed against the import of the news.

Walter Cronkite, a dour Dan Rather in his heyday and others had the gravitas necessary to fixate the viewers while reading/reporting the news. Katy does not. She's simply misplaced. When I view Katy, I think of her as better placed in hosting a Thanksgiving Day Parade, the Rose Parade, the Mardi Gras, a "morning show" or any other of these inane events/programs for the mass viewing audience.

I have no idea why executives pitched their lot to Katy as having what it takes to report the news at any time of the day...period!

Carl Nemo **==

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The premise in the title of

The premise in the title of this piece is that Katie's butt warrants saving . . .

I don't buy it.

---------------------------------------------
NRA Distinguished Life Member

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This is news?

It's really sad that Katie's ratings are considered news. I don't see that this makes us any different.

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Katie's Butt

Well, here's the deal. Not all personalities are equally appealling/effective in all venues. Katie was on point for the AM talk show format; unbelievable for the nightly news anchor.
She gets $15M per year -- and a bail out, no doubt -- when they fire her...and then she goes on to daytime talk or whatever...or nothing. Who among us should not have this disaster befall them?

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