Google “Democrats make better lovers” and you get 296 citations. Try the same with “Republicans make better lovers” and you get just three.

The results are in. Those who pander to the party of the pachyderm are boring in bed. Not surprising considering the GOP’s repressive attitudes on just about any topic, including sex.

Another list that floated around Washington political circles for years was “The Top Five Reasons Why Democrats Make Better Lovers:

1. It ain't just the Republicans' economic polices that are limp.
2. Republicans sleep in separate beds.
3. It’s nearly impossible to "get jiggy" to Wayne Newton or Pat Boone.
4. Democrats can filibuster all night long.
5. Republicans think a "libido" is a Mexican liberal.

Stereotyped? Nah. I’ve had extensive dealings with Republicans and can vouch for their sexual repression.  More importantly, I conducted exhaustive research into the sexuality of women of all political persuasions during the 1970s when I was single. While my records are not detailed enough to provide an exact number, the size of the sample was larger than that used by most polls for forecast the winners of elections.

And my extensive, probing research into the depths of female political sexuality support the theory that Democratic women are a hell of a lot more fun in the sack than the iceberg queens of the GOP.

Bed a Republican woman and you will hear things like “oh, that’s dirty” or “I don’t do that” or “not there.” If she manages to have an orgasm it will be silent lest she give anyone the impression that all this nasty activity is actually a little fun.

Democratic women, on the other hand, scream their heads off when the come while shouting things like “oh, yeah, yeah” or “more, more” or “oh, yes, I like it!”

If you accept the old frat boy belief that the worst blow job you ever had was still pretty good, then getting head from a Republican woman was OK but getting head a Democratic woman means pulling the sheet out of your ass when it’s over.

But you can’t really blame Republican women for being a bust in bed. Look at their upbringing. If they grew up on a GOP household (and most did) they lived with a submissive mother and a dominating father whose idea of foreplay was “lie down and spread your legs bitch.”

If a Republican woman manages to escape the bonds of repression she will most likely find a Democratic soul mate. Longtime GOP operative Mary Matalin didn’t marry Democratic strategist James Carville for his political views.

Such cases, unfortunately, are rare for those raised in the belief that sex is dirty, nudity is shameful and excitement can only be found in war.

This same sexual repression will also prevent a Republican from becoming the first woman President.

Can’t happen. As history has shown, you can’t be President of the United States unless you really know how to fuck people.